Well, as our cherubic, rosy cheeked scamps headed to Goodison Park, Liverpool to do battle with Everton Football Club on the banks of the royal blue Mersey, ‘the true faith TIFOSI got set to watch carefully in readiness for developing a verdict on what they saw in L4.

United faced a formidable task tackling a strong, unified team with a tactically astute manager who seems to know what he’s doing and a squad of players who listen to him. Add your own sarcastic comment here.

Before the game I thought there was something magically old school about Newcastle United facing Everton under lights on a late September night and this is unquestionably a meeting of two very proper football clubs that represent their communities. The people on the streets support Newcastle United and Everton. But that first half performance knocked a canny bit of football romance out of me.

Our famous five now have their assessments ready filed for you double-quick-snap.

Take a deep breath.

Neil Gatenby

I rushed home from my first (and probably last) attempt at wallpapering for this and wished I stopped elbow deep in the sticky stuff because in my humble opinion this is going to be another long season wading through the other sort of sticky stuff . I wonder what Pardump will have to say about that one….I bet he was “livid” or that “we was triffik” at “winning the second half”, “if footbaaaaw was for 100 minutes we would av wan that”. Bollocks Alan…I think we played 7.5 in midfield at one point and 1.9 up front. Far be it from me, a mere observer to suggest we put out a team that knows what formation it is playing and can play to a consistently acceptable level for more than 15 mins.’Lukaku is a player I’ve suggested trying to secure for a couple of seasons now and was unplayable first half as we decided to just not bother showing up and we were lucky to go in only three down. We are leaking goals left, right and in particular…centre. How many times this season has the ball gone directly through the middle and totally bypassed our entire defence. I was trying to look at the positives after the Villa game but this game and Hull have just brought the misery of last season flooding back.’If Pardew truly believes that our squad was strong enough that he wasnt bothered we didnt sign anyone then he clearly highlighting what a simply awful coach and tactician he is because the majority of our starting 11 are internationals and him and the rest of the ‘coaching staff’ seem intent on coaching out of them any tactical nous what so ever.’Cabaye’s goal was an absolute raker and, again, I thought Goufazzz was a bright spark but we frequently allowed Everton to maraud down either flank. I dont think any one player or person is culpable…we are clueless from the top down and that is starting to set in with the players. ‘The anger is dying with me and the apathy is setting in and that’s what is more worrying. Better the devil you know than the devil you dont…I’m not so sure now. Ashley’s mouth pieces have stated his underwhelming intentions and in Pardew he has the perfect spineless patsy.’Let the good times roll….

Sam Dalling

Back to back defeats and all the good work done earlier in the month has been undone.’In front of a disgruntled looking Mike Ashley and a v-flicking Joe Kinnear, Everton were rampant in the first half and ran away with it.’Lukaku absolutely bossed it and, as he often has previously, Colo looked vulnerable against pace and power.”The less said about Yanga the better I think after he had a first half reminiscent of Cacapa against Pompey.’Both he and Hatem, who in fairness anonymous for the second week running, were deemed expendable at the interval.’After the break the viewing became a little easier.’Yohan’s spectacular strike gave the boys a glimmer of hope and we were vastly improved.’Remy poached his third goal in two games to make for a tense last few minutes, before volleying over in time added on.’Ten minutes earlier and it really could have been game on.’In all honesty though a point probably would have been robbery from an Everton perspective.’Despite the positives, and there were a few, things still look fairly bleaks for the immediate future.’You just know this will be AP’s excuse to shoehorn Williamson back into the starting line-up for the weekend.’Yes Iron Mike’s presence coincided with a goalless half down our end, but teams play a different game when coasting at 3-0.’I dare to think what a train wreck it would have been had he been in from the start. ‘Fixtures wise it doesn’t get much easier either.’A tough trip to Cardiff Saturday, home games against Liverpool and Chelsea and a visit to the unwashed are all on the cards over the next few weeks.’Six points would be brilliant.

Matt Stark’

Hopefully some of you’reading this did not have the misfortune of watching tonight’s scouse scare-fest. In tonight’s terrifying episode; eleven brainless, shambling zombies, risen from the earth by some bad ju-ju put on Newcastle shirts and attempted to play football for 45 minutes. Needless to say, the zombies were thwarted and put to the sword by a merciless Everton who were, by then, three nil up. Star of the show was Romeu Lukaku who has pretty much everything you could ever need in a footballer; strength, pace, vision and mint hair. The lad deserved a hattrick, not to mention a starting place in the Chelsea line up. Mourinho’s genius must be questioned for letting him go on loan. Even Coloccini and a pitiful Yanga-Mbiwa seemed in awe of the striker as he seared through them like a diamond-edged machete through a ripe Brie. Second half was a different affair, the appearance (and subsequent peach of a goal) from Yohan Cabaye and some defensive solidity (yes, you’read that right) from Mike Williamson provided a bit of a comeback by United. However, it was ultimately futile and by the time we had a second goal, it was 89 minutes and half our jaded-looking side’s legs had gone. ‘It’s safe to say that the final score flattered United somewhat, we had patches of relatively good play but 98% was an utter embarrassment to behold.’The one positive, if you could even call it a positive, in this whole turgid affair was that Ashley and Kinnear had to sit through it too (if they could be bothered to stay for the full 90 minutes like the rest of us who had to pay).’The cliche is that a football match is a game of two halves, I just wish we could start turning up for both of them.’The frustrating thing is that there is a team in there, somewhere, desperate to come out. Pardew needs to find the right ju-ju to raise it from its grave…and fast.

Chris Laws’

Frustrating. Very fucking frustrating. First of, regardless of our second half performance, we deserved to lose this game. We were fucking horrendous in the first half. Not quite sure who was the worst out of the lot. Santon CONTINUALLY is caught out of position for goals. It was a similar story last season too. The amount of goals that come down the opponents right wing is fucking insane. Surely Haidara is better full-back defensively. Infact he can’t be any worse. However, I get the feeling that with his boss paying canny money for Debuchy and Santon, Pardew has his hands tied and his full-backs sorted and that’s that, barring injuries. We won’t be the only team to be dominated by Lukaku this season, but that third goal is an utter embarrassment. I really like Mbiwa, but fuck me he was absolutely atrocious today. I actually agreed with bringing Williamson on. AGREED WITH BRINGING WILLIAMSON ON!! Let’s talk second half. Much improved. How much of that was us actually improving considerably as a team, and what was Everton taking their foot of the gas, but the game totally changed. Cabaye made a massive difference for us. Keeping play moving on, and his strike was absolutely brilliant. Remy nabbed another goal, and unless their is a fixed price clause in his contract, their isn’t a hope in hell he’s with us beyond this year. We won’t pay the going rate for someone that good. No chance. Tonight made me realise really how much Tiot’ has regressed under Pardew. When we first came over, he ran the midfield in every game. He’s so weak and half-hearted in everything he does now, he’s a shadow of himself a few years ago. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by chucking a 3,2,1 up tonight, I don’t think there was that many good performances to fill out the points to be honest. Cardiff takes on massive importance for us. Our season is seemingly at an early season crossroads, defeat there, and I’d be worried about Pardew seeing out the international break.

Steve Farrell’

That first 45 was as shambolic a half of football that I can remember ‘ even by our own lofty standards. It was dreadful from the first minute until the last. You’d think we’d have learnt about Lukaku’s strengths after he tore his a new one last season. Alas no and he could have had four in the first half had he not been a yard or so offside. We offered absolutely nothing going forward and looked like five school girls at the back (although I’m not sure how much blame can be pointed in the direction of Debuchy who was largely blameless for the goals in the first half. Santon is not a defender. He gets caught out again and again and again. Krul was back to his flappy self again. Colo was suffering badly from his Lukaku-it is and Mbiwa was a bit weak leading up to one of the goals.’I’m tired of whining now. Everton were on fire though. They had so much pace and penetration, they look a force to be reckoned with. That said, I’ve still got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about Premiership teams loaning players from another team in the same league. It just doesn’t sit right with me ‘ not just because we’ve been battered by Lukaku (again) I might add. It just doesn’t seem’fair. Anyway, it is what it is and we were beaten at half time. The second half was a million miles better, but I can’t help but feel it was just as much Everton easing off the gas as it was us improving. Credit to Cabaye, Remy and Williamson. The rest? Nah.’