A Moste Straunge week or so hath just passed by. Thatte which doth make our lives Miseries as humble carriers of Ye Banner of Newcastle United Footballe clubbe did come back to most Forcibleye bite us on ye bum. Namely, playing Pisse Poor, Piss-abed football one moment, then trailynge Cloudes of Glory in ye Heavenly Moste the next. Typicallye, (and a most sore Pointe for anyone who paid hard earned to watch the likes of Faye and Geremi) Ye Lads could do nowt but lose against ye Hammers whose Reeve, the Malignaunte Gargoyle toad Allardyce (whose Lumpen, Tripe-like visage hath often caused many Fair Persons in Ye streete and so forth to Recoil in abject horror, and whose blusterings causeth more methane to be sent Heavenwards than a host of cattle) continues to cast a malevolent spell over our fine clubbe. Following that, a humdrum draw agaynste a bunch of honest journeymen from the Catholicke part of Lancashire (Ye grounde being set not far from My Lord Townley) upon a nightte so cold wherein one’s Manhood was Reduced to the Aspect of a shrimp and two garden peas. Such is Life; an often dreary adventure that costs too fucking much for what you get. Our Reeve Pardew tried his verbal Persuadynges upon us one further tyme, insisting thatte a draw at Burnleye was in fact a win. Doth this man hath a bullshitte-off swytche? Still, Cisse netted and Abeid continues to find a spot in the First team, a Goode Thing.
Thence to a weekende where (like your worste schoolday Memories of Olde) we expected a pastyinge. Further agaynste a Host whose football hath been like Cromwell’s Ironside cavalry of late Renowne. The Appliaunce call’d Ye Radio 5Live was full of Subserveaunte, hand-wringynge, dewey-eyed Shitte this weeke, with Gloatings and Baleful Warnynges as to the Might of this Chelsea team who had notte lost all campaign. Further, those who Listened had to suffer Ye Beetle-Eyed Imp Mourinho, his soundbites and Yappings being paraded by Ye Brown Nosers at Ye Beeb as if they were a Lost Commandment. He is most unreservedly a knave and a scoundrel.
Ah but the Portuguese is yet another example of a Long Liste of Irritating Personnes upon the conveyor belt of Annoyance that is known as Chelsea football club: ‘Dicky’ Attenborough, David Speedie (of malodorous memory, let’s say that name again; David Speedie) David Mellor, Ron ‘Chopper’ ‘Arris, Nigella Lawson, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Lord Coe, and a boatload of Nazi skins. Nice.
Regardlesse, after a quiet start Ye Lads battled on and kept this admittedly very good team at bay, with Colback looking the part and Janmaat beginning to make the memory of Debuchy but the merest of flitting shades. And upon ye hour mark or thereabouts, Cisse did knock the first in after ‘England’s Cahill’ made spag bol of a clearance and a second round 80 minutes in, following a cracking break. Is Cisse a new David Fairclough style supersub, where Ayoze does his running for him the previous 60 minutes, and knacks out the two centre backs? Answers to be sent by ye mail carriage. And despite moments where the wheels nearly came off, (Taylor reverting to his Headless Chicken default setting) and a rookie keeper, we held firm, Colo being at his Unselfish best. And Hearty Good Cheer upon Ye well-named Alnwick who kept goal (if you will pardon Ye Punne) in as stout an aspect as ye Castle he is named after.
Further Merriment was Given by the Sulph’rous Imp Mourinho with his insistaunce that (despite a mystifying 6 minutes extra and nearly 10 minutes agaynste 10 men not being enough incentive for his seeminglye unbeatable, greatest in ye World team) some scrote on Level 7 had lost him the game by holding onto the ball for 20 seconds. Jose! Thou art but a pimple upon ye inner thigh of life! Desiste and win your trophies and go Forth and have your Ego Massaged by the Likes of George Whasisname on 5Live and leave the rest of us to our Dole Checkes and glutinous, life-sapping food substaunces and our Dreary Trudge towards a debt-laden demise! Thou hast London in your palm! Thou can’st go upon Ye Daytime TV sofa with Eamon Humphries or whatever Eamon it is nowadays and talk about Curtains and the like! Thou can’st endorse celebrity diets and wear huge scarves without Fear of Reprimaund for being a ponce in Ye streete! Why bother with us Great Unwash’d, staring in at you through the Gilded splendour of your Versailles palace of the mind! Be Off and Eat Your Cake!
Tunes most interesting and diverse to reflect this most straunge week or so.
Anjou – Fieldwork https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNIwKF54IkU
King Tuff – Black Moon Spell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy6IPmzGLDY
Hailu Mergia and the Walias – Eti Gual Blenai https://soundcloud.com/awesometapesfromafrica/hailu-mergia-and-the-walias-eti-gual-blenai
Yob – Clearing the Path to Ascend https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HdnaDuRwok
Les Sins – Bother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bfELN6NskE
Gravenhurst – Black Holes In the Sand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-rQLse-gl4 (RIP Nick)
The Shadows – Scotch on the Socks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpOACc3Nxu0
Little Tornados – How Many https://soundcloud.com/littletornados/2-how-many
Marianne Rosenberg – Herz aus Glas https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vEqGphL2GY
Ariel Kalma – Almora Sunrise https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7RMs9OduI0n
Space Siren – Evidence Collection Guidelines http://subroutinerecords.bandcamp.com/track/evidence-collection-guidelines (RIP Corno)
Parkay Quarts – Uncast Shadow of a Southern Myth https://soundcloud.com/krazypunx/parkay-quarts-uncast-shadow-of-a-southern-myth
RICHARD FOSTER, INCENDIARY MAGAZINE
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