In a True remonstrance of his Concerne to all Newcastle United followers My Lord Ashley Hath instructed me, his Nieuwe Secretary of Musicke, to compile, threw sources Various and by Means of Free internet browse (free being a Thing that My Lord Ashley findeth Most Felicitous at all times) a Play liste of Songs and Ballades that may enjoynder a state of Goodly Cheer amongst his Wonga-cladde hoste, Cheering them to such an extent that…. Well there’s only one thing that will cheer me & that’s winning games with a new managerial set up. Let’s get on with it shall we?
And lo! did a Moste Straunge day unfold at Ye Manor of Sports Direct! Firstly, we had a game that was to be played upon the 3 of the clocke but Was Notte. As a strange metal Hoardinge (doubtless commissioned by M’Lud Ashely’s pals Trotter’s Independent Traders) that did give News and Affairs threwe the wonders of Electricity became loose; and did flap and sway in the breeze like a Bride’s Nightgown. This occurence stopp’d matters progressing on Ye Pitch, and thus a collective Groane did go Up in and arounde the ground; would the Seventh Layer of Hell knowne as Ikea, or Ye Pubbe be a better bet?
After some workman did afix the hoarding fast, and bums were on seats, a Most Boring and Dour and Opportuneless display, driven by a whole heap of stuff like lack of confidence/lack of ability/lack of vision and wit/lack of everything (as Peter Cook once said) did unfold from all concerned. Twas as if Ye Innermost Thoughts of M’Lord’s Reeve Pardieuw had been printed as a Chaplet and by a Miraculous (or Most Terrible) happenstance had been Made Flesh for All to see. The gloom and Tedium of a first half was only broken by some pretty bad, or close misses by Colocinni and Cisse and a Dummett shotte & that did at least hit ye target. The other bunch hit the crossbar in the manner of one of them five aside shanks you’d claim you meant back when you were 14 on the school playing fields. And that was about it.
Given News from afar that the Cromwellian rabble (that do speak as if their tongues have been stitched up) were getting spanked down south, Ye Heat was on so to speake; and finally a most felicitous moment came where Obertan hammered the ball into the onion bag, and fuck me – for once I’ll leave off the shaven headed Wayne Ferreday comparisons for a week and let him have a break ‘cos he did play “well”. Despite Cisse missinge chaunces that would be as easy as M’Lud Ashely eating the last bit of plum puddinge at his Sports Direct company bash (just before he photocopies his arse), Ye Lads held on, to relief rather than exhultations. And lo! did the prospecte of watching the Broadcaste knowne as MOTD (after whatever concoction of ale and grease and salt and e-numbered sauces that could be shovell’d down ye necke) did notte seem to be akin to having a tooth pulled by some Hawker or Pardoner. Efpecially as Ye Bronzed, Serpent-like and most Unnaturally Preserved Dullard Lineker’s fave team lost. Ho Yuss. Felicitations again to our Hollandish ‘keeper too, M’neer Krul, who did play with resolve. Where would we be without him?
The tunes this weeke are a bit surreal & all over the place, to reflect Ye Weirdness of the day.
- El Xicano – Horror Pop https://soundcloud.com/elxicanoband
- Astronauts – Four Songs https://soundcloud.com/astronauts-new-songs/sets/astronauts-four-songs/s-sNwPs
- Pinkshinyultrablast – Umi https://soundcloud.com/club-ac30/pinkshinyultrablast-umi/s-gM8w6
- Yasmine Hamdan – Ya Nass https://soundcloud.com/crammed-discs/yasmine-hamdan-samar-from-the?in=crammed-discs/sets/ya-nass
- Andre de Saint-Obin – I Got Plopmusic – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM1MOxlXybU#t=76
- Yuko Yuko – Borderline https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cw9H8x9F9fo
- Drvg Cvltvre – Hand In Hand Into Extinction – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGYcaKlaFyQ
- Joseph Curwen – Psychopomp (Joseph Curwen Remix) from Psychopomp by Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs https://boxrecordsshop.bandcamp.com/track/psychopomp-joseph-curwen-remix
- Bongwater – Obscene And Pornographic Art http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbxCU7nO2wY
- JIBÓIA – Dvapara Yuga http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRJxZQOfRSg&feature=youtu.be
RICHARD FOSTER, INCENDIARY MAGAZINE