In a True remonstrance of his Concerne to all Newcastle United followers My Lord Ashley Hath instructed me, his Nieuwe Secretary of Musicke, to compile, threw sources Various and by Means of Free internet browse (free being a Thing that My Lord Ashley findeth Most Felicitous at all times) a Play liste of Songs and Ballades that may enjoynder a state of Goodly Cheer amongst his Wonga-cladde hoste, Cheering them to such an extent that…. etc. Shut it Foster.
And thus did Ye Lads go to the Country of Wales, a land Reknowned for jokes about Ye Beasts of Ye Fields, efpecially those which Bleat and giveth wool to line our jerkins with in Winter.
And for the second time away from the Manor of Sportes Direct, Ye Lads ran out, bedeckked in Basques and shorte Breeches in colours That do Notte represent Ye City of Newcastle but do make Them look as if they had joyned a Troupe of Merry Jesters.
QED, Freudian slip, etc etc (ad nauseum)
Appaurentleye, the design of this new garmet was chosen by Some from Ye Wonga clad hordes! Whych fans are these? Surely ones who hath eaten of some fruit that contayneth a bloody great dose of LSD and, in a strange humour thereafter hath coloured in a design for a doublet or Basque that would suit a uniform for a bootcamp run by Rod Jayne & Freddy. Indeed In Ye recent Civil War that has wrack’d the four corners of these Islands, no such troope of men by either Parliament nor the King of Late and unlamented Reknowne could have been clothed in a manner so Abject and reminiscent of Cuthbert King of Ye Softies’ gang in Ye pamphlet The Beano.
Luckyley the garments seem’d only to cause a Straunge Witchcraft upon 75% of Ye Lads in the match, with Ye midfield hiding as shy Hares in the field, and the defence seemingly Confus’ed and in Great Doubt as to what M’Lord’s Reeve Pardieuw hath told them to do. In Bitter consequence therefore, Swansea could have had a hatful if Bony (rejected by Reeve Pardieuw as not good enough for Ye Mags) and Routledge (sold by Pardieuw as not being good enough for Ye Mags) had scored more than the one they each bagged. But, the Goal keeper Krul, in a manner of his Countrymen de Ruyter and de Witte did play with Muche Resolve and skill, and at the other end Cisse bagged two crackers. Come on son.
The week saw further trials for the Clubbe. In Ye Middle East, a place Knowne for Conservative Views as to Womyn and LGBTs and Drinke, a place which really should house Nigel Farage’s retirement home, Ye Poinsoned Dwarf Wise, a Mannekin whose head resembles nothing more than a Pumpkin on a stick, did say to Richard Keys (a Man of Strange Views on Linespersons) thatte My Lord Ashley hath paid bounteous souvereigns and Gold and much else besides to NUFC! And Ye Wonga clad hordes do notte see his bounty and do hateth him as muche as the rest as those from the South for Wearing Ye Safari Suit upon a weekend and Reading Ye Daily Mail whilst supping Ye G & T and actually liking Ye Tennis and Tim Henman and the Boat Race and shit like that; forgetting that many from Ye South of This Sceptr’d Isle have been some of the best players Newcastle United have ever had and loved in consequence. Accordynge to Wise (whose Remand hath obviouslye been paid by My Lord Ashley on Several occaisions) Ye Wonga clad hordes should shaaht their cakeholes abaaht saahvahners who keep vis caahntry great and shaaahht it gaaavnaa! And thus Wise went off into the Middle East nighte to beat up an elderly Stage Coach driver. Upon the work of such men as Wise doth the world turn for the worse.
Songes that should see My fellow Mags throughe the Droughte of Entertainment called Ye International Break; where we will have to listen to DULL pundits like Harry Rednappe and Peter Shilton and all ye rest of the Blazer Bunche (untimely ripp’d from the golffe clubbe to talk about Ingerland) and listen to Alan Green screech his way through a load of non-problems about England FC’s Place in Ye Worlde on Ye Wireless. It’s a bit blokey (and growly Goth) in places, this time round. Perfect for Ingerland!?!
- Donovan Blanc – Minha Menina https://soundcloud.com/capturedtracks/minha-menina-v2-1
- Eagulls – Possessed – https://soundcloud.com/partisan-records/eagulls-possessed
- Dream Police – Hypnotised https://soundcloud.com/sacredbones/dream-police-hypnotized
- Keep Breathing UK – Weather Warning https://soundcloud.com/keep-breathingband/weather-warning
- Analog Africa – Sampler 5 https://soundcloud.com/analog-africa/analogafricaselectionvol5
- Turkish Leather – The Taste of You http://felte.bandcamp.com/album/turkish-leather
- The Homesick – Cut Your Hair http://thehomesick.bandcamp.com/
- Minny Pops – A Feeling http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuR0zyI5bZQ
- Andy Stott – Numb https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTOsBk-V9uA
- John Valencia – Let’s Take A Trip Down the Rhine https://soundcloud.com/musicalsound/lets-take-a-trip-down-the-rhine
RICHARD FOSTER, INCENDIARY MAGAZINE