In a True remonstrance of his Concerne to all Newcastle United followers My Lord Ashley Hath instructed me, his Nieuwe Secretary of Musicke, to compile, threw sources Various and by Means of Free internet browse (free being a Thing that My Lord Ashley findeth Most Felicitous at all times) a Play liste of Songs and Ballades that may enjoynder a state of Goodly Cheer amongst his Wonga-cladde hoste, Cheering them to such an extent that…. etc. You know the rest by now surely.

Crystal Palace 24/9/2014

And did those foolhardy enough to venture to the southernmost part of the Great Wen to see a match involvinge Ye Lads (one that did clash with many’s Domestic arrangements) did come back in Triumph, even if it is a victorye Most Phyrric; cos the next round we might get our balls served up, fried in butter on a silver plate, by Citeh. But we who follow Ye Lads in their various Travayles and unhappily Infrequent Triumphs must take what we can get; even if it is Bob Cratchit-like, ripp’d from the grasping Scrooge of Fate and and the clenched Fistes of Fortune. On Ye Electronicke Pamplet service knowne as Twitter, much Cheere and relief was appaurant; almost at a level not hearde of since the Relief of Mafeking and somethinge that may have even stirred the most Fatte and Unlovely My Lord Ashley from his post 4,958,771,438,695 burger and chips session Repose.

But Eache Happiness is at present Tinged with a darker cloud on Ye horizon.

Stoke 29/9/2014

Ahh, Stoke, away.

A dolorous and miserable place of Little Aspect or Opportunity; where villainry and afrays in the streets do but happen with Regular and unhappye Occurance and where betting shoppes and Subway outlets doe Seem to sprout from ye grounde like weeds. The ground’s a soulless, budget-sized cold-hearted pretend spaceship an’ all. Balls to it.

A team that once did look to encourayge players of Reknown such as Matthews, Greenhoff and Frankin now doth hath a host of Roundheads and Luddites called things like Shawcross or Crouch; who collectively like to take lumps out of anything and do treat the ball as if it was infectede with Ye Ebola virus. Most luckilee, the Whining golf-cap wearing Misery that was Reeve Pulis hath departed to sit, Malvolio-like in a pit of loathing of his owne Makinge, spitting out his dummy and resyninge and telling his last M’Lud at Crystal Palace where to stick it; in a manner that Many in our own Hoste would gladly see our Reeve Pardieuw do, except our Reeve doth love Ye coyne and Bullion and Ye expensive to mayntayne, “Silver Foxe-Wide Boy” appearance a bit too mucche. Sadly, Reeve Pulis is replayced with a similar Misery Guttes, Reeve Hughes who really doth take the biscuit with his “the world hates me” aspect on the touchline. Bugger off Hughes; a pain as a player and as a manager.

Here then, 10 Ballades that often give off an Aggressive and Rebellious and Naughty Aspecte.

1) The Membranes – If You Enter The Arena, You’ve Got To Be Prepared To Deal With The Lions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj-qk7W4FME

2) Deze – De Man http://www.dezedeze.nl/mp3/02%20De%20Man.mp3

3) Amir Meludah – Kotak Tong Sampah’ https://soundcloud.com/amirmeludah/kotak-tong-sampah

4) Gazelle Twin – Anti Body http://gazelletwin.bandcamp.com/track/anti-body-2

5) King Champion Sounds – Waiting For Measures’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oergzQm3DD4

6) Holly Herndon – Home https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_3mCDJ_iWc

7) Fawn Spots – Watered Down https://soundcloud.com/fatcatrecords/fawn-spots-watered-down

8) Cairo Liberation Front – Cairo Liberation Front Meets Geert Wilders in Eurabia https://soundcloud.com/cairo-labelration-front/cairo-liberation-front-meets-eurabia

9) David Thomas Broughton & Juice – In Service https://soundcloud.com/songbytoad/david-thomas-broughton-juice-9

10) Yamantaka // Sonic Titan – Whale Song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIk-hZ-vXPo&index=2&list=PL1BS70vPwk2CFEbXh1ltm5JnXb2mZ09L3

RICHARD FOSTER, INCENDIARY MAGAZINE