MATCH REPORT: Sunderland 1 Newcastle United 0, Stadium of Shite, 5/Apr/15, KO: 4pm, Premier League, Att:47,563

by • April 5, 2015 • Match reportsComments (43)2226

Newcastle United no longer exists as a football club in the real sense of the phrase; a shell Carversafcof an existence played out by zombie players too tired or too encumbered in sleep to be stirred, managed by a man whose Geordie rhetoric is a tired old cliché and an owner who long gave up the ghost of tangible investment and a sense of belonging. We cling to the Premier League table ever more perilously feeding from the crumbs that the big boys scatter on the carpet and survive in a never ending sequence of mediocrity being outfought and outthought in what seems to be our only two meaningful games of the season.

For the first time in years i wasn’t nervous about today. Mike Ashley has finally crushed what little spirit I had left. He’s not the only one. £52 away tickets, knackers singing about the dole, and Sky TV and its never ending grip on the game we grew up loving and admiring. A few beers beforehand always motivates you a bit more but even as the sun shone down on the better half of the North East a nagging sense that we would sleep walk through another defeat was eating away at me.

A very relaxed and easy trip to Chicken Town went down without any incident and despiteKrulDefoe the bar being deemed too full i saw plenty of pals old and new and had a bit crack on with them. The game started with them looking well more up for it than we ever were to be and Defoe was almost put through only for his touch to let him down and allow Janmaat to clear. The home side almost took the lead a little later when Whickham headed against a post when Subbuteo goalie Krul stood on his line.

They had forced a fair few corners but our abysmal performance was punished when a long punt downfield was headed into the path of Defoe to fire a stunning volley past our ‘keeper and pretty much seal victory, as we were never likely to score.

Half-time was almost immediately called and the home fans celebrated for the first 5 mins of it like the game was won; they were right.

The second half was another cowardly affair with the Mackems missing a few clear cut chances. Firstly, Fletcher tried an acrobatic finish when a control and shot would have surely seen him score, Larsson fired a free-kick just wide and then Williamson improbably blocked when it seemed certain he would double the lead. We managed a couple of efforts on goal with Cabella having a shot saved and Perez missing an open goal which would have given us a point we scarcely deserved.

We are carrying too many passengers, both on the pitch and on the touchline. I would keep Perez and Janmaat. The rest can all leave with a notable exception for Jonas, who sentiment aside, actually bothered his arse today unlike uber coward Sissoko and circus act Sammy, who in clubbing the ball out of play under no pressure encapsulated his day, his career and this football club.


Newcastle United: Krul, R.Taylor, Janmaat, Williamson, Colback, Sissoko, Gutierrez, Gouffran (Riviere 58), Ameobi, (Armstrong 87), Cabella, Perez.

Subs n/u: Elliot, Anita, Abeid, Kemen, Obertan

DAVID X SMITH – Follow Dave on @DaveSmith8882

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43 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Sunderland 1 Newcastle United 0, Stadium of Shite, 5/Apr/15, KO: 4pm, Premier League, Att:47,563

  1. Mikey says:

    My match report …Absolute Garbage, Embarrassment…Muppet of a Manager…and a owner who runs it like a branch of SD

  2. Boomtown says:

    Carvers coaching technique..

    “Roll over… Play dead… Who’s a god boy? Yes you are… Play dead…”

  3. MooMoo says:

    The actual result, bragging rights etc mean nothing to me. I’m beyond investing any emotions in this lot. This match and indeed our record in this fixture is merely a symptom.

  4. Peter Shearer says:

    What more will it take for those remaining to do something to save our club.Take your support away until the fat controller leaves.The time for talking has gone -ACT!

    • Pat Hughes says:

      It’s my last game in May – would be interesting to get everyone doing likewise to leave at an agreed time? Quite how you could mobilise everyone is beyond me though. That’s probably been the problem all along. Me and my 5 fellow leavers are planning a farewell picnic but the pitch is out, not fit enough to leap over the sandwich boards

  5. the pole says:


  6. Alan H says:

    Sadly; a very apt and succinct report. I’ve had many low points supporting Newcastle in the last 50 years; but for the first time can’t see any light at the end of this particular tunnel.

  7. Alan says:

    They haven’t beaten Newcastle five times in a row, they’ve beaten Sports Direct FC.
    Couldn’t give a flying fuck.

  8. Vin1892 says:

    Amazingly some people still pay £500 per year into Ashley’s bank account.

  9. Pat Hughes says:

    The match report is spot on and completely reflects how I feel. I wasn’t there, I didn’t watch, I switched the radio off and I couldn’t face MotD – the script was written long ago and despite a brief glimmer of hope (probably down to habit) I knew the result. Even a Mackem friend said ‘I’m sorry but I really feel for you. You were shocking today, it would be heartless to take the piss’. Says it all.

  10. Gareth Harrison says:

    Spot on Dave. Yesterday was the lowest I’ve felt in 30+ years following them. I actually surprised myself by how angry I felt. Now it’s back to apathetic resignation.

    • Dave Smith says:

      Thank you Gareth; as you will undoubtedly appreciate, it is often cathartic to get these reports off your chest. I just feel apathetic to it. It’s heartbreaking.

  11. mike says:

    What was Krull doing at half time? congratulating Defoe?

  12. Andy bee says:

    Broke more sweat lifting my pre match beer than sissoko did, epitomises everything that is wrong with our club gets the coin for zero output. How the bloke had the nerve to not be embarrassed is beyond everyone in the away end , unfortunately a lot of shrugs of acceptance are now evident from the fans……we just can’t change it, and the powers that be are unwilling and incapable . Flat cava and fat cashly hang your heads ….inept morons .

  13. tom Bates says:

    And the supporters can also add themselves to the zombie category by investing season after season in the Ashley regime allowing it to continue unopposed. People think they are being loyal and helping the players but I doubt the likes of sissoko care if you turn up or not.

  14. Rob Brown says:

    It’s a personal thing , but I stopped after FA cup Leicester away . There is nothing there any more . I will get stick for this , but it seems to me that we are going to have to burn before we can have something worthwhile and reflective of the city , region and in my case my forebears , the reason why I travel from Bedfordshire with my two lads .He will not sell or budge unless it is uneconomic . I think relegation is the only thing that will sort it . It is annoying that seemingly 50000 will turn up in any event , but on present form I think relegation is just possible . Support is a two way street , it’s mutual respect , an understanding that this thing of OURS actually matters . In its present form it isn’t ours , it is rotten and I see no alternative to it crashing and burning before we have anything approaching what I hope most of us want . Before anyone says ….. Ah but sky and money have changed things permanently .. Tell that to Burnley or Bournemouth their owners , managers , supporters and players all of whom appear to give two shits . Other than Chelsea a few times at home lately and a few week night aways two or three years ago , when have you felt anything approaching joy . It is now meaningless Shite .I never thought I would say it , but staying away , organised or individually is the loyal thing to do .

    • justchampion says:

      Like wise Rob, i live in Bedfordshire with 2 kids. Half time one said right i’ve had enough off this i’m going to support Spurs. And you know what? I wouldn’t blame him. Thanks Mike Ashley you twat.

  15. Ryan Bell says:

    Agree with the last comment in regards to relegation. It is the only way I can realistically see Ashley cutting his losses and the way he’s running the club it is a real possibility. You can’t stay still in the Premier League never mind going backwards like we are doing. This squad needs serious investment, it has been allowed to stagnate for far too long and a few of the players who started yesterdays game simply aren’t of Premier League standard.

  16. Wallace Wilson says:

    But if, and it is still ‘if’, we stay up Charnley will congratulate himself on a job well done – maximum return from minimum investment. What the fans think or want is irrelevant to this regime. It is all about the money so all you can do is affect the revenue stream. This means either staying away or, if you can’t bear to do that, make the atmosphere so toxic it either persuades Ashley to leave or the team get relegated. Unfortunately, if it’s the latter, I can’t see an immediate return and there’s still no guarantee he would go

  17. Jack Carter says:

    Well we did win the shit chanting though, that paedophile crack was just crass and shameful.

    Sadly the most inventive song our lot have come up with in about 5 years.

  18. Steve says:

    One word… Cowardly. And I thought the 4 before were bad. This was by far the worst. Can’t even be mad anymore. Got back to town and had a nice few drinks with me mate and frankly we just didn’t care that much. They don’t so why should we? All the usual rhetoric before, Geordies in the team, my team will have fight etc etc…. This lot deserve to go down and if that meant Ashley out so be it. I would take a trip to Watford, Rotherham etc any day then go through that again

  19. Chris Nappin says:

    Easily the worst of the 5. It was surely worth a gamble yesterday by switching things round shortly after half time. We couldn’t get near them. They were better in every possible way in every single period of the game. Even if Armstrong and Riviere were the only people left to bring on it would have been worth gambling early instead of persisting with what was so blatantly failing. Alas no. Liverpool and Spurs next, I wonder realistically how many we’ll concede. I’ll go for a conservative 8. Then Swansea at home? Doubtful under our current form. Leicester away? Tricky time to play a team fighting for survival. West Brom at home? Maybe. QPR away? Tricky again. West Ham at home? Andrew Carroll. Relegation is a serious possibility, I’d maybe even say 25%. I would actually be happier going down than scraping survival and doing the whole pointless charade again next year. It’s a waste of our time being in the premier league with these clowns

  20. Rochford Mag says:

    I am sick of this lot spoiling every weekend with gutless displays, I am reaping the points in the predictor league just by betting on us to lose.

    Carver seems to have learned more from Pardew then he ever did from SBR. Few of the players seem to be arsed, how can you visit a team that was comprehensively thumped by a useless Aston Vile and not go for it; totally pathetic. If we had not fluked a few points in the autumn we would be bottom with Leicester and would deserve to be there.

    If Ashely ran his tat emporium the way he is running our beloved team he would be bankrupt. I really find it difficult to muster up any enthusiasm but at least as I live down in Essex I am sheltered from the worst of it; if I lived back in God’s Country I would really be in despair.

    Can anyone see where the next victory is coming from?

  21. Andy bee says:

    Not sure I agree . Check history ….relegation Ashley stayed put , failed fan ‘revolt’ 69 minute leaving etc….ashley probably smirked , our money doesn’t fuel the club any longer other revenue streams do . Tom bates? Fans are zombies??? Shame on you too ….passion in abundance at monkwearmouth yesterday. If you choose to stay away your decision – myself and thousands of others stay loyal to the club – do not confuse that with Ashley supporting or bankrolling…..laughable comments indeed. So where is your TRUE FAITH ?!

    • Matt Flynn says:

      How does your continued attendance at SJP benefit the long term future of the club?

      Take away the initials N.U.F.C and what are you staying loyal to?

      NUFC. Death by a thousand cuts.

      • Rob says:

        How does not going benefit the long-term future of the club?
        In the new-age Premier League, fans are an irrelevance. Nothing the fans do or say matters. SJP could be empty in every game next season and Ashley wouldn’t care- he’s coining it in thanks to the mega TV deal.

        It’s great that some fans feel that they no longer want to provide any support for Ashley. I’m totally on board with that, we all get it. But it has absolutely no impact on the way he perceives or treats the club. It’s the sad truth.

    • Andy says:

      Andy Bee are you serious? The club no longer exists. Let me be completely honest. If you and thousands of others genuinely think that going to the Spurs game makes you some sort of bastion of loyalty you are deluded. You are complicit. And deserve everything you get.

      I have said for a while most newcastle fans go simply for a day on the drink. If people loved the club the ground would be empty. Like Lazio did. Or AC Milan. Not us. Everyone knows best. It’s pathetic. Definitely the lowest IQ among any fan base. We are ripe for Ashley with blokes like you. Next you will tell us it is your right to buy a program, a replica top and a pie/pint on the ground too.

      Football is about hope. Especially being an NUFC fan. I remember the cup finals. I remember being in Rotterdam. Grimsby when kelly rounded the keeper. I remember being in the Roker end when Liam O scored the free kick. Now….We don’t want to get to a cup final, or in Europe, or try in the derbies. HOPELESS.

      Not sure what you are even supporting anymore. This is not my newcastle united. That is for sure.

  22. tom Bates says:

    Andy Bee it is your choice and it wasn’t the away following I was on about it is more the home support which mostly sits in silence aside from grumbling about pardew/ carver Ashley whilst continuing to fund this nonsense. As people have pointed out there have been worse Newcastle sides but the money is there to improve the side.

  23. billmolyneux says:

    Well,after that shambolic display yesterday its time to take stock of this club we support.It is time to take action against these idiots who are making our famous club look totally embarrassing! TALK IS CHEAP,WALK AWAYAND STAY AWAY TILL THE F.C.B. HAS GONE.

  24. GARETH'S DAD says:

    After the match my son (your illustrious dep.ed.) asked me ” dad, what’s the point? let me tell you your wonderful pre match bbq with you and great mates talking shite and listening to nz dub ?? meeting up with Ted, Jed, Robbie, Lee etc in the bar before kick off and beer fueled predictions of a win the “Chubby Brown” chant at the cop on the horse at St.Peter’s after the match and his spot on reply the way we looked after that terrified 6 year old mackem and his dad on the train back to ntle forget the football, we are shite (but only 2 years since that trip to Benfica) we always get beaten on the pitch but don’t ever forget “Newcastle United will never be defeated” Keep the faith

  25. skarabrae says:

    nufc do not deserve to be in the premier league, there are far more clubs in the lower leagues who would do the premiership more justice than the present nufc…ie TRY!!

  26. Steven Carr says:

    The only comfort is from the Toten Hosen’s Auswaertsspiel.

    I translate ‘ You can beat us as much and as often as you want, but none of us would ever swap for any of you, because you are not like us.’

    The right attitude, but it would also be nice to win once in a while.

  27. leeds 4ever says:

    we r shite but when carver was at elland roadit as like standing on yourhead in 20 foot of shit feel sorry 4 allu mags keep the faith soon u will b playing us ij championsip

  28. Andy bee says:

    Andy – not deluded and not low IQ ,but thanks for insulting us all and stereotyping. If this is not your nufc anymore why bother posting ? So yes I am serious, and Liam o scoring was a highlight, dearly hope I wasn’t standing and hugging you tho that day . Go about you nufc-less life mate sitting at home moaning and watching sky sports news will certainly make Ashley F.OFF ……won’t it? Tom bates -point taken and accepted bud, family means less away days now but let’s not put a downer on thousands of loyal home fans.

    • Andy says:

      Quite simply…you can’t care that much. End of. Sky sports news? What you talking about?

      Mike Ashley picked the perfect club when he invested in us.
      Was Keegan a hero of yours? Shearer? Did you not think it absolutely disgusting when he treated them as he did? What does he have to do? He must find it incredible when he thinks a supposed proud club and proud set of fans act the way we do. I find it shameful.
      Please at least answer this. What are you supporting? And finally what do you hope for?

      Newcastle United meant so much to me, possibly too much at times. But surely enough is enough. The whole club is rotten.

    • Matt Flynn says:

      Supporting the club doesn’t start and end with turning up. There’s more to loyalty than handing over £25+ and having a piss at half time. As supporters we have a responsibility to protect NUFC from harm and to date we have failed miserably on this front over the last eight years.

      There is no right or wrong way to respond to what is happening to our club, but when the inevitable end game of the Ashley era arrives we will all have to ask ourselves if we did enough. Did we stand up for the club we love or hide behind a plethora of excuses? Did we do everything we could or were we shackled by complacency?

      Time will tell whose conscience will be clear when reality bites.

  29. Andy bee says:

    andy – seek help,and best wishes , Davey Mac was my first idol .

  30. Mikey says:

    Just saw this Guff on the bbc site

    Pardew overlooked for big time

    And what about Alan Pardew in the Manchester City hot seat?

    The former Newcastle boss believes he and other British talents are overlooked for the top jobs in England, an issue which frustrates him.

    “Myself, Sam Allardyce, Tony Pulis, Mark Hughes to a degree, we are all experienced managers who have not really had a top club,” Pardew told Radio 5 Live’s Sportsweek.
    ….Deluded Pardew …Deluded Allardyce

  31. Tom Bates says:

    To be fair the likes of Andy Bee who make no apologies for turning up and who admit that they still are happy to go to as many games as they can, i havent a problem with.
    Its the thousands of people who bemoan Ashkey and say thats it from me, then renew season after season wondering why things arent improving. Yes, the revenue from supporters is minimal compared to the TV money, but surely its worth showing Ashley in a bad light by not turning up if you have a problem with the way the club is run. Sadly he is taking advantage of the loyalty of fans and probably laughing behind our backs. Name change to ground, shabby treatment of Hughton, removal of the singing section, relegation, selling off of best assets, no cup run policy, the list goes on.

  32. john rush says:

    Although not happy with our keeper congratulating the opposition at half time it was Ashley and Charnley who decided to pull the shutters down on the season in January other than sales out, just as they did the previous season, meaning they believed the remaining league games were no more than meaningless friendlies (that one may come back to bite them) so not surprising the players behave as though they are playing in a testimonial match.

  33. Stephen says:

    Talentless cowards in dull grey because that is what we are as a club.

    ”I’m a Geordie me” Carver couldn’t even bang the drum and have us play in Black and White, surely he our one of our much ha ha ha ! heralded Geordie back room team should have piped up and said here this is not right, we are Black and White.

    f..k this commercialisation and ‘lucky’ sh**e, (and the grey hasn’t even been that)

  34. Steve says:

    Bloody awful. I am not surprised though. It was just to be expected. I’m not even angry about it amymore. One day we’ll get our club back. I just can’t understand why anyone would pay good money to go and watch this shite. Why put money into Ashley’s pockets? Even if I had a season ticket I wouldn’t waste the time to watch this shower of shit. The only way to get a change is to present the cameras with an empty stadium on match days. It’s not rocket science. Three or four games like that and the fat man would have to do something. It would be unavoidable. The way it is he thinks he can keep getting away with it.