MATCH REPORT: Stoke City 1 Newcastle United 0, The Britannia, 2/Mar/16, KO: 7:45pm, Att: 27,331

by • March 2, 2016 • Match reportsComments (17)4007

What you’re about to read isn’t going to make pleasant reading at all. What I viewed last night was absolutely atrocious. For the 16th time in the last 20 away matches I saw Newcastle United defeated. This time by a very ordinary Stoke City side.

Thankfully, for yours truly Stoke is an easy 40 minute train journey from Manchester so its one that most NW mags always do. On arrival at Stoke I was more than a little bemused to see Gouffran in the XI. Even with Townsend injured I can’t begin to comprehend why auld island heed thought starting Gouffran was a good idea. The useless c**t wouldn’t get a game for the Black Bull in Longbenton on a Sunday morning. He’s turd.

The game in all honesty was an absolute nothingness of a game with both side being severely hampered by the terrible StokeFeb16weather conditions. United lined up in a very defensive manner against a side that showed very little attacking threat, United allowed Stoke the majority of the ball with Wally Brolly’s plan seemingly to catch them on the break. This plan was hindered due to Sissoko not fancying it whatsoever. Now, I’ve stuck up for Sissoko this season as I’ve felt a lot of our better performances have surrounded around him breaking with the ball and getting us up the pitch. However, last night he was an absolute disgrace and should’ve been hooked off at HT. I’d imagine he was bastard freezing when he came off, given the fact he never ran all game.

Sissoko did have United’s only chance of the first half when a hooked ball from Gino, who despite the stick he’s received this morning I thought was much improved, fell in to Stokes final third. Inexplicably Sissoko was edged off the ball by a Spanish Midget with goal gaping. The lad just couldn’t give a f**k on occasions. Tonight was one of them.

The second half wasn’t much better with United seemingly having no idea whether to try and win the game or take a point. Some of the movement and passing was shocking, with Shelvey in particular ignoring the conditions by playing long balls which were an absolute waste. McClaren’s changes were again bizarre and useless in equal measure with the introduction of Riviere coming before that of Perez and Doumbia. Why he feels that was our best opportunity of a goal is beyond me. The c**ts scored 1 goal in 20 plus matches, and that was a bastard fluke n all.

The game felt like it was drifting to a 0-0 draw when Colback, who again was awful on the night, lost control the ball which allowed Shaqiri to thump a ball past Rob Elliot. The goal stunk of relegation. We’ve been here before we should know.

McClaren panicked there after and brought on Perez and Doumbia. All too little too late, proving the fact he’s a clueless prick and a born loser. Other than Twente he’s never done a good job, and before you mention Boro he was s**te there n all.

United had a late chance from Doumbia where the superb Butland made a wonderful save, but in all honestly we got what we deserved. Nowt.

Saturday is now ever more massive given Swansea’s win. Win or bust. I’m happy I’m missing out. How depressing have we become ?

Try to enjoy the remainder of your week.


Our Fans: Annoyed, agitated, Apathetic by the end. 8 (2 deducted for the obsession over singing about Adam Johnson)

Their fans : Poor and quiet. Britannia atmosphere is a massive myth

MOM: Lascelles – Could be a player given coaching and time. So, needs to move away ASAP.

JACK McLANE – Follow Jack on – @jackm1892

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17 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Stoke City 1 Newcastle United 0, The Britannia, 2/Mar/16, KO: 7:45pm, Att: 27,331

  1. Andy bee says:

    ” we go again” is it just me or does schtevie say this 37 times per season? ( I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t use it pre first game?!)

  2. Peter Shearer says:

    Let’s just start again and build a new club that represents all that we want it to.

    • rich says:

      We can dream Peter, it may mean dropping down a couple of divisions but the ride back would be something else.

  3. Pat Hughes says:

    What’s all this nonsense about ‘growing’ into games? You head onto the pitch and play professional football from the off because that’s what you are, a footballer. To stroll on, gently warm up, adjust to your surrounding and slowly realise your purpose is not a part of football today, it’s suicide. I don’t know what backward planet SM comes from but he should go back there asap. He spouts more bullshit than Pardew and is completely devoid of footballing reason. He’s been harping on about discovering character flaws in the squad (Pardew missed that one) – how long does it take to get to know your players. In some ways I feel sorry for him – he’s floundering away like a fish out of water and the rest of the three wise monkeys cover their eyes and ears and tape their mouths shut. Unbelievable attitude from all – including the players who should know what to do on a football pitch. Ignore the coach and his dubious tactics and play to your own strengths. I despair – again

    • Lofty says:

      I couldn’t agree more about the players taking responsibility on the pitch Pat. If they can see the way we set up isn’t working, then they should be changing it themselves where it actually matters, on the pitch. Have the free for all with the coaching staff after the game about not following the plan (is there one?), but for fecks sake, someone do something, because doing nowt will send us down.

  4. mikey says:

    This is beneath contempt.

  5. Peter Ward says:

    I despair . Considering the way Chris Hughton was treated this perseverance with McLaren is baffling

  6. Bob says:

    Sports Direct are not thdvonly one’s going down. This was t least another two nails in McClaren’s coffin just for starting with Goufran and bringing Riviere on with Perez and even Doumbia on the bench. There are already so many nails in that coffin that they are piling up inside. To then give Perez and Doumbia 6 minutes to try and do something was just sheer desperation, too little too late.
    Aarons is the scapegoat for Chelsea, playing out of position but having had a couple of games was worth a start ahead of Goufran. McClaren chooses the easy option to drop Aarons and Perez ahead of our supposed big guns. You can see some fight with Swansea and Bournemouth, even Norwich and sunlan so they all have more chance than us unless something drastic happens which it won’t. I hope the football board are reviewing their CV’s as surely none can survive this even though they have so far. I wish we would just go for it, playing for a draw has never been easy for us. We need to start with Cisse but not on his own, as he at least has some goals in him somewhere. Perez should be back and Lascelles should keep his place even if Colo is fit.
    I despair.

  7. David says:

    Another shambles then.

    If we don’t win on Saturday then tufty has to go. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but not any more.

    • Pat Hughes says:

      Haha – I like tufty. He just about smiled on Look North just now. Totally not on, it has to stop, I don’t care what the PR stance is on smiling and looking on the bright side. An absolute insult.

  8. mike says:

    Taking the water out of all of us I cant see where the next win is going to be. My hope is if/when we go down we don’t keep this idiot, tho I have a horrible notion that we will

  9. Rob says:

    Apparently we are “hard to beat” :-0

    • Wallace says:

      Not that hard. We’ve lost our last 7 away games

      • Rob says:

        Yeah, that was an ironic comment based on a quote in McClarens post match interview. He said we’re hard to beat – but somehow teams seem to keep finding a way to do it.

  10. Jarra mick says:

    I remember when tufty was with England and Rooney was snarling as usual, tufty stepped forward and mouthed the word smile at Rooney. Rooney replied FUCK OFf. I wish one of our players would tell him to fuck off

  11. Pat Hughes says:

    One definition of tuft(y) is ‘a dense clump’ – fits SM perfectly.

  12. Tomb says:

    Ha ha we go again is becoming McLarens catch phrase. I would love Hughton back as somebody posted earlier he was doing a great job and is doing the same at Brighton. A lot of the credit Pardew got the following season was down to Hughton installing a strong team spirit in the squad. Struggled with Norwich but so does everyone.
    I don’t agree with the theory that we have to win to keep in touch with Swansea and Bournemouth or we’re down, for me theres only us Norwich and Sunderland in it, they’re the teams we need to catch.