MATCH REPORT: Southampton 3 Newcastle United 1, St Mary’s Stadium, 9/Apr/16, KO: 3pm Att: 31,542

by • April 9, 2016 • Match reportsComments (12)3329

Editor’s Note: We’ve tried something a little different for the match report from Southampton. Our man George Cook has made his debut with this report but we’ve also included the musings of Sean Whelan and Jack McLane, whose names regular readers will recall from this site and the fanzine proper. All three lads were in the away end at St Mary’s. Thanks to all three for their eye-witness reports. 


Living on the south coast, I’ve seen my fair share of awful Newcastle away performances, the last three games at St Mary’s alone, we’ve conceded ten and scored zero.

In fact last year after taking my partner to her first ever match, we had the piss ripped out of us by a homeless man, who even in his negative circumstance, had the pep to dish it out, as we walked away to the chanting of “4-0” for a good 20 yards down the road. Southampton really is a community club.

On arrival to St Mary’s, the fans were in high spirits, fans were singing and laughing, there was many a chorus of “Mitro’s on fire” and “La Bamba”. Both in the stands and below at the bar. There seemed to be a feeling that actually survival began here today and that the previous disappointment of last week’s result against Norwich was forgotten and a healthy amount of goodwill for the team remained.

As I took my seat for the first half, I noticed a fan a few seats in front of me wearing, of all things, the ‘98 away kit with Soton1Guivarc’h on the back! Which was bizarre to say the least, in fact I was still pondering about that when Southampton scored their first goal, which came from the woeful defending of supposed professional footballer Steven Taylor.

The mood of the fans didn’t dissipate, after all, if last week proved anything, it’s that Newcastle United don’t take the easy route to doing anything. Taking the positive approach that at least conceding so early, it would hopefully light a fire under the players and perhaps if we were lucky Southampton would take their foot of the gas.

However this was not the case, as just 3 minutes later, Mane has a volley deflected out for a corner and Pelle hit the deck, causing a collective holding of breath. The diving bastard! Then shortly after that a pathetic pass by the dreadful Taylor, nearly put Southampton in again, luckily Darlow channeled his inner Manuel Neuer and rushed out to clatter Long and clear the danger.

The game was put to bed 7 minutes before half time, when Daryl Janmaat did his best Steven Gerrard and slipped, (allegedly) injuring himself in the process, allowing Tadic to feed Long, who gave Newcastle a chance to make up for the mistake, but yet again pathetic defending, let the ball fall to Pelle who put a neat finish in and put an end to all good will in the stands.

Following half-time I was glad to see Taylor had been taken off, but disappointed that Anita remained. Even though we had used two substitutions by that point. There was at least three time to my recollection that Darlow had the ball, looked up, saw Anita in yards of space and decide against trusting the hapless dutchman with the ball.

The third goal came from yet another poorly defended corner, not be dealt with, allowing Wanyama to calmly finish past Darlow, in what was only his 2nd goal at St Marys. Managers and players come and go, but Newcastle can’t ever seem to defend corners at one end, or put them to good use, at the other end.

Two players that impressed me for Southampton, were two who we’ve been linked to multiple times in the past few years, Soton2Long and Van Dijk. Based on today, both would vastly improved our current first team. Long is alway lively and what he lacks in goals, albeit not today, he more than makes up for in his ability to cause a nuisance and his electric pace. Whereas Van Dijk, can actually play the ball, has a huge frame, which he used to bully Mitrovic out of the game and at one point even had the confidence to charge forward, beat a man and then take a shot at distance.

Wijnaldum pulled his usual disappearing act, but this time had help from Mitrovic who did his best to vindicate Rafa having not started him last week, despite outrage from the fans who are now lauding him as some sort of deity.

Shelvey, Mbemba and Perez showed signs of life, but never really stepped up and Darlow did little wrong. For my money Townsend and Sissoko were the only two players who you could say tried to make something happen all game. With Townsend scoring a beauty in the top corner on 65 mins. Leading to chants of “we’ve scored a goal” and “we’re gonna win 4-3”.

The main conclusions I drew from this game were, Anita isn’t a footballer, more like one of your mate’s younger brother who asks to play with the big boys, so you stick him at left back, hoping he’s out of the way. And Taylor, well, he is WORSE than that.

Finally, Janmaat, who two years ago was part of a Dutch side that came 3rd in the world cup, now looks like garbage, whilst a player who played his position for Newcastle, in Danny Simpson is about to lift the Premier league title, what a world we live in!

Much to my disgust some sections of fans turned on Fraser Forster to vent their frustrations, but fortunately that was a minority, one guy in particular who I spoke to was convinced that Elliott is ten times the goalkeeper Forster is, to which I said: “he’s not though is he?”

Yet again we’re left deriding an embarrassing defensive performance. From the moment i saw that bloody Guivarc’h shirt I should have guessed we were doomed.

Newcastle United: Darlow (6), Anita (3), Mbemba (6), Taylor (2), Janmaat (3), Townsend (7), Winjaldum (4), Shelvey (5), Sissoko (6), Perez (5), Mitrovic (4).

Subs: De Jong (5), Lascelles (6), Cisse (5).

Rafa Watch: Can’t seem to get anything out of the players in the first half of games, had no options with subs, given the two early injuries.

Our Fans: Stood all game long, tried to get behind the players, even gave the benefit of the doubt after the first goal, lots of singing and optimism, all gone by the third goals, to chants of “we’re going down”. And one very angry and abusive welshman stood next to me, who liked to call anyone and everyone a see you next tuesday.

Their Fans: As is my experience of St Mary’s, a very quiet and lifeless set of supporters, who don’t really do much of anything, bar the occasional verse of “oh when the saints go marching in.”





There’s some stiff competition, but that was one of the worst wasn’t it? It’s not the scorelines as such but the manner of the defeats, Newcastle were beaten by the 4th minute yesterday. And we should of been 1-0 before that, Southampton with two free headers in the box from a corner. Inevitably it was Shane Long who opened the scoring, Steven Taylor is still turning around and Coloccini still wakes up in cold sweats screaming Long’s name.

 At this point, the only possible way Newcastle were going to get anything from the game was if Southampton took their

SOUTHAMPTON, UNITED KINGDOM - APRIL 09: Andros Townsend of Newcastle United applauds away supporters after his team's 1-3 defeat in the Barclays Premier League match between Southampton and Newcastle United at St Mary's Stadium on April 9, 2016 in Southampton, England. (Photo by Christopher Lee/Getty Images)

foot of the gas and the game petered out. Southampton did take their foot of the gas but still found themselves 2-0 up at halftime. Collectively, the Newcastle squad have been so atrocious this season its pointless singling players out, but I’ll make an exception for Daryl Janmaat for doing the single most cuntish thing I’ve seen from a Newcastle player. Having been turned inside out by a cross field pass which he tried in vain to intercept, he simply walked off the pitch feigning injury after Pelle had punished his haplessness. The Newcastle players went through the motions yesterday, Janmaat didn’t even have the human decency to do that. I sincerely hope that I am wrong and Janmaat genuinely has a career threatening injury, naturally I’d wish him a really slow and painful recovery.


Southampton made it 3-0 not long after half time, a toothless Newcastle attack breaking down, Southampton breaking, getting a corner and then taking it in turns to have a pop. The big black lad in the middle who used to play for Celtic finally slammed it home I think. I don’t really know many of the Southampton players, not really interested in them, they’re one of those sides lauded in the media but in reality they’re like one of those tidy nowt about them Dutch sides we used to put 3 or 4 past in the Uefa Cup. So it sticks in throat when we regularly get turned over by these South Coast sap clubs. Put Bournemouth in that category aswell, they’re shite. We’ve lost 3 times to Watford this season, we deserve to be relegated for that alone. Do they even have football in Hertfordshire?

We also deserve to be relegated for being the slaggiest football team in England, we get fucked all over the country every other Saturday. So that’s 9 in a row, half a season of away’s on the bounce, no snappy draw, fuck all. That takes some doing, like it does to get relegated out of this division, there isn’t a single good side outside of the top 4. I interpret those 9 defeats as confirmation that our players are a pack of soulless bastards. I maybe wrong, but I’ve long thought if fans really knew what went on behind the scenes at their club (and this goes for all 92) they wouldn’t set foot in the ground again. The culture amongst the playing staff at Newcastle United must be toxic. That malaise probably set in a long time ago, remember the 6-0 at home to Liverpool 3 years back? Our players have hidden from responsibility for years, leaving managers out to dry. We should of be relegated last season, how Pardew managed to squeeze 5 victories in November ’14 out of these pricks, I will never know.
The only stroke of luck we had all day was sharing a carriage out of Waterloo with some er……. thirsty South London girls. Battersea Dogs Home playing away yesterday? Why the fuck we got off at Southampton instead of staying on to Bournemouth, I don’t know. At least you can’t get a dose when Newcastle get fucked.



By turning on my laptop and writing this match report I have now put in more effort today than the vast majority of our AshleyOutVanplayers did all game yesterday. Yesterday was another dark day for Newcastle United, although I’m not sure I even care anymore. I feel no pain or anger when we concede just a numb sense sadness.

I’m not angry about whats happening I’m just upset that my once great club are now a laughing stock. Clubs now pity us, its fucking horrible.
Yesterday started with a horribly early 7:27 train where me and two other Manc Mags tried to work out the permutations that would see us somehow stay up. We all admitted we needed to win at St Marys. On arrival in Southampton I remembered what an absolute dump the place is, it has nothing going for it.
After paying an extortionate £19.80 for beers in a Yates we moved on to a better boozer where we were treat liked adults and were allowed our pints in glasses. After a few more points we made our way to St Marys, by which time the booze had convinced me that we were due a win. How fucking stupid I was.
After 30 seconds the writing looked on the wall as we hurriedly hoofed the ball out for a corner. We never start a game with the look of a team that have a game plan ? How can this still be the case ?!?! I’m adamant the players just don’t give a fuck.
4 minutes in brought the inevitable poorly defended goal when Shane Long waltzed through the severely limited Steven Taylor to give Southampton the easiest of leads. The lads never improved since he came through, in fact he’s gone bacvkwards. I think he’s the classic case of a player believing ‘Theyve made it’. After his performances for England U21’s I was convinced he’d play England many times. I couldn’t have been any more wrong. Steven Taylor’s career has been a massive let down and I hope he realises it.
After the goal Southampton always looked like adding to their total and they did just that minuted before HT. On a side note I’d love to know how many goals we concede in the latter minuted of halves. Thats 4 since Rafa’s been here. Do our players think team stop playing at the end of games because they don’t.
Pelle’s goal, which came from a mistake Janmaat who then feigned injury, led to me heading straight to the bar resigned to the fact we will be relegated between now and May. At HT the Newcastle’s gallow humour was out in force, there’s not much else we can do. I’m not getting depressed by it, because these players just don’t give a fuck. I’ll be happy to see them gone. Give me Danny Simpson and Wayne Routledge over Daryl Janmaat and Moussa Sissoko any day of the week.
After finishing my second pint at HT I felt I may as well head up and see if Rafa could pull off an Istanbul type of miracle. He couldn’t as soon as headed up Southampton score another very easy looking goal. At the point I decided to leave, I just can’t cope with it anymore. Its upsetting to see us have the piss took out of us every week. We’re Newcastle United FFS.
I headed back to the pub in the hope Norwich would score just to put me out of my misery, they didnt. I just want it all over now.
Keep on Keepin’ on …  
JACK McLANE – Follow Jack on @jackm1892

If you missed the issue of The Special for this game don’t fret, you can get it by just clicking here.

As you might have seen elsewhere on the TF site, Alex and the lads recorded a Podcast-cum-Radio Show on Friday night ahead of the Southampton and you can get at by clicking here.

In case you are wondering, The Special and the Podcast are absolutely FREE.

This last week also saw us publish the latest issue of true faith (TF125). true faith is now Newcastle United’s longest running and by some distance most popular fanzine. It is the most widely-read, independent, fans-led publication in the UK. Its also absolutely FREE and its also available in digital format. You can download true faith to your PC, lap-top, Smart-Phone, i-Pad or Tablet. Its excellent on any device but I’ll confess my preference is to read it on a tablet. Anyway, just click on the image below and its all yours.


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12 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Southampton 3 Newcastle United 1, St Mary’s Stadium, 9/Apr/16, KO: 3pm Att: 31,542

  1. mike says:

    Garbage down and out without a wimper

  2. Anton says:

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. So, today:
    – STaylor was a defensive rock – as usual
    – Anita excelled at left-back – as usual
    – Sissoko terrorised opposition defenders – as usual
    – Janmaat really showed why he deserved yet another start especially following his inspirational comments during the international break (no you haters: he did not mess up and bottled it/couldn’t be bothered after the goal he gave away – he really was injured, honest)
    – Gini started yet another away game and fulfilled Rafa’s plan to turn an attacking mid-fielder into Franco Baresi (sorry kids, ask your dad)
    – Mitro played 20 metres away from every other NU colleague. Because who needs 4-4-2 (until you’re 2-0 down)?

    Best manager in the league? Or a higher class of has-been?

    • mikey says:

      Who would you play?

      If he stays this summer there’ll be a mass clear out. The reality is though we simply don;t have any other players.

  3. Andy bee says:


  4. gjbnufc says:


  5. Carol Willis says:

    I read True Faith match reports regularly and I have nothing but admiration for supporters who go all over the country to support a team that would lose to Sunderland Ladies or the Doncaster Belles but really? “Battered dogs home playing away?” As a teacher I try to explain the sexism is all but dead in Newcastle. It is a modern city full of people with passionate and open ideas. Clearly not in this instance.

  6. Peter Shearer says:

    I think Michael must have still been under the influence Carol,of the match or alcohol or both! It is not quite his usual style. It is getting to us all!

    • Mark says:

      The report was by Sean Whelan not Michael Martin, Peter. Either way Carol is right. The comment was completely irrelevant, mysogynistic and unnecessary. There’s enough t***ful behaviour with our away support without this stuff being put in match reports. I wonder if casual racism would be inserted as merrily as casual sexism? (I’d hope – and assume – not). Embarrassing – and a shame, I enjoyed the three reports format.

  7. Carol Willis says:

    That’s okay. I am sure I am speaking for the majority of women supporters to say we feel the pain as well. We are all United. Let’s not revist the days of Hall, Shepherd and the Fake Sheik. No dogs allowed, x

  8. Rob says:

    It could have done without the Sean Whelan piece Michael.

  9. rich says:

    They’re should remake Four Feathers, most of the players will be guaranteed to play a starring role.

  10. Andy says:

    Battersea dogs home? Slaggiest football team getting fucked? The big black lad?

    Love the 3 match report format but could have done with editing that lot out.