MATCH REPORT: Newcastle United 0 West Ham United 0, St James’ Park, 24/Aug/13, KO:3pm, Premier League, Att:49,622

by • August 24, 2013 • Match reportsComments (29)1815

A dreary August afternoon saw us trudge back to SJP for the first home game SJPMapof the season with the sense of pessimism almost palpable.  In the end, the best thing we could say was that at least we picked up our first point of the season but in truth, for long spells of the game we lacked any sort of ideas and were toothless in the final third.

With Steven ‘Top Bants’ Taylor thankfully suspended, we welcomed back Davide Santon, with Anita, Marveaux and Shola all on from the start after the capitulation at Man City.  The crowd were actually fairly vocal in getting behind the side in the early stages but the game fell into the sort of directionless pattern that we had grown oh so used to last season.  The tactic in the first twenty minutes seemed to loosely involve giving Ben Arfa the ball and hoping that he could beat ten men and score from roughly 40 yards with a screamer.

Going forward, West Ham seemed to be directing everything out wide to Jarvis and he certainly had the better of Debuchy – good crosser of the ball aswell.  We managed to keep steady under the threat of the ball into the box though with no-one handling it, clutching their chest to feign an injury and rolling around like a tit we almost looked like a defensive unit.  Mbiwa had a good game aswell playing in his better position at the centre of defence.

Chances were very few and far between – West Ham looked most dangerous from a couple of long balls into the box that almost evaded everyone and at the other end, Anita and Sissoko exchanged a neat one-two only for the Frenchman to shoot wide.

The second half started in much the same vein and West Ham came close to taking the lead when Nolan surprisingly headed wide when he looked certain to score on the hour.  That chance woke us up a little and Pardew took off Marveaux to be replaced by Sammy to boos from sections of the crowd.  Not sure on that one mind – Marveaux was poor and spent half of his time either drifting inside or getting brushed off the ball and as limited as Sammy is, his introduction actually spurred a slight change in our approach and the last twenty minutes of the game was our strongest spell.

The visitors had an effort that went marginally wide and Gouffran was brought on, surprisingly for Cisse rather than a lumbering Shola and as the rain hoyed it down, West Ham visibly started to sit back more and invited on what limited threat we had.  Ben Arfa wriggled into a couple of positions but always seemed to want to beat one too many and as we were weighing up whether a point at home to West Ham was actually an alright result given our shattered ambitions and negativity approaching the game, they almost nicked it in the 89th minute.  Thankfully, as the ball pinballed around the box, Maiga was rightly flagged for offside as he knocked it in the back of the net from a Morrison shot.  A word on Morrison aswell – wearing gloves in August?  Not exactly gangsta like is it?

Deep into stoppage time and having mustered precisely NO shots on target all game, it looked like we would bag an undeserved winner.  Sammy put over a cross/shot that evaded Jaaskelainen and looked for all the world to be heading to the far corner.  It came back off the post to land at Gouffran’s feet about three inches out and he managed to spoon it over.  I’m writing this having not seen the replay but it looked an absolute sitter.

So, thoughts trudging through the puddles after the match?  Well, make no bones about it, we were at best mediocre, at worst shite.  Sissoko was poor in his favoured position in the centre of midfield and with Anita sitting deep, we were pedestrian to plodding in going forward.  I heard Pardew pattering on about how great Anita was and if the highlight of our afternoon is expected to be a holding midfielder playing tidy eight yard balls sideways against a mid table Premiership side, at home on the first game of the season then frankly why are we bothering?  He wasn’t even very good either.

Minimal ambition, a clear lack of confidence, no cutting edge and an almost comically poor bench to turn to if we had a Plan B up our sleeves.  It’s not looking good is it?  Twisting on about Cabaye’s ‘unavailability’ puts aside the fact that for the vast majority of last season he was garbage or missing and does anyone seriously believe the club have done all they can to encourage him onto the pitch where he risks a knock?  Hardly.

I’ve barely written a match report with so little reference to match ‘action’ but basically, there wasn’t any.  I didn’t enjoy any aspect of going to the match today and I was almost dreading going along to the extent that I’m almost looking at a desperate 0-0 draw as some form of success.  Put simply, I and I’m sure thousands of other Mags aren’t enjoying Newcastle United at present and that is fundamentally wrong.  That’s entertainment eh?  I dread to think what the next seven days is going to bring.  The thought of Kinnear rather than Pardew in the dugout this time next week after an embarrassing cup exit at Morecambe is looming large in my nightmare.

Cunts.

Keep the Faith

Newcastle United – Tim Krul 6, Mathieu Debuchy 6, Mapou Mbiwa 6, Fabricio Coloccini 6, Davide Santon 6, Sylvain Marveaux 4 (SAMMY Ameobi 6), Vurnon Anita 6, Moussa Sissoko 5, Hatem Ben Arfa 6, Papiss Cisse 5 (Yoan Gouffran 5), Shola Ameobi 4

Ref – Dowd – 6 – No real grumbles.  Extra mark for weight loss.

Our Fans – 6 – I dread to think what it would have been like if they’d have scored.  There is absolutely zero goodwill to team, management and owners but make no mistake, the ONLY thing Newcastle United have to be proud of is it’s support and they tried their best despite everything

Their Fans – 7 – Best London support. 

Gareth Harrison

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29 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Newcastle United 0 West Ham United 0, St James’ Park, 24/Aug/13, KO:3pm, Premier League, Att:49,622

  1. Horsebuckfast says:

    Oh dear shite shite shite players scared to do anything except give it Hatem and hope he does something. How many game changers started……..2 ? How many on bench Sammy at a push and that’s me getting generous. They will hump us at their place and god help us if Carroll is fit. Fulham…..another point at best. We are shagged. Zero goals scored in 360 mins + of home football and did you catch the “reserves” that got a rogering down in Smogland this week not a single one even close to been ready to step . We are officially fookin hopeless……ah but least Fat Micky probably still pocketed a million or two from today. Food for thought ??????

  2. Phil Carvoeiro says:

    Thankfully I’m away till next week so couldnt go but every report I’ve saw is saying we’re basically clueless & toothless .Did anyone who watches us really expect anything else? We won’t sign anyone of note now if we were serious about this people would be in place long before now. We’re either going down or we will be very close to it you can’t expect anything more I’m sorry to say , cuckin sickening , Fatty . Pardew ,mad joe . cabaye and all the other losets just fuck off

  3. Alex Carr says:

    Has nobody got a spare billion to sort this shower of shit out.

  4. David Claydon says:

    Like last season, we are set up to not lose. We don’t take the game to the opposition. We sit back, pass back, pass sideways. When we have a chance to counter attack, we do so in a way which allows the opposition to get back and re-group. We flatter to deceive with short, text book passing.

    Today we got a point because West Ham didn’t score. I thank them.

  5. Clive says:

    Accurate report let down by the last word.

  6. Mark Twain says:

    West Ham fans the best that London can offer? With their 2(bob) songs. Nah mate Spurs always bring a better, louder more affable mob.
    That said, we were ‘kin garbage today, cheers Pardew.

  7. Drew Murty says:

    I thought we were good today. Cisse looked to be back to his best and Marveaux showed flashes of genius. There’s a lot of hope for next week.

  8. WhoArYa says:

    Gareth summed it nicely for me in his last word before saying keep the faith.

  9. Neil Black says:

    Highlight of the game for me, getting a text at half time to go and meet a mate who is an exiled Geordie up from York for an unexpected pint or two in the Newcastle Arms afterwards. Enough said.

  10. Ed says:

    Did anyone else spot that BBC stats reckoned the Toon were first side in 8 seasons to have 0 (accurate) shots on goal in a match. At that rate, if we can keep a clean sheet every weekend, then 37 points should be within easy grasp this season

  11. Jamie Gordon says:

    What is our game plan?
    What do we do in training?
    Its easy to point the finger at AP but his tactics are awful. You can see why lesser clubs like Reading, West ham, Southampton, Charlton sacked this clown.
    I want a manager that has a system and believes in it, look at the players we have but yet we cant keep the ball for more than 5 passes! Why have players like Ben arfa, Cabaye, Marveaux, Anita etc if our main objective is to play direct and if that fails play it long up to Shola and pray we create a chance. How can teams with less talent and skill player better football than us?
    Unfortunately we all know our club is slowly dying and Ashley is the disease slowly killing us.
    R.I.P Newcastle United Football club

  12. Rob Salter says:

    Spot on well said Gareth, as drab as the weather this match. First thing Pardew rolls out is that West Ham’s long ball tactics affected us, you just couldn’t make it up. Embarrassing.

  13. Ali says:

    To me the games are a sideshow. The real issue is no one knows what Ashley wants or will do next. My guess is JFK is in place to push through sales and no buys. Put pressure on Pardew to quit and then take over. Our squad will be the smallest. Why would Ashley bother paying someone to play say less than 5 games per season on a wedge of £1+m per year? He’s all about asset stripping the club, milking it dry and then looking to sell on top of the increased TV deal money. It’s gonna get worse.

  14. dave hetherington says:

    on a positive note,at least we’ve climbed out the relegation zone

  15. David Chapman says:

    Two things of note on the match.

    The fucking Sports direct French flag advertising board looked like something from a dover cash and carry.

    Those stewards who confiscated the frankly hilarious Joke Kinnear banner should be ashamed of themselves.

    Wish I could mention the actual football but there wasn’t any.

    KTF

    • WhoArYa says:

      I’m absolutely amazed we aren’t singing:

      “We’re not for Kinnear, we’re not for Kinnear, we’re not, we’re not, we’re not, we’re not for Kinnear”

      The away fans can then sing:

      We are for Kinnear, we are for Kinnear, we are, we are, we are for Kinnear”

      This would be so funny people would wet themselves, even better than the Cox, Dicks Managers that the fans wanted out. Classic.

      The Panto will run and run

  16. Pat Hughes says:

    Fortunately I wasn’t looking forward to the first home game (first time ever) and I couldn’t find much enthusiasm around me either. Didn’t stop us welcoming the lads back to SJP and clapping every promising move. The first half was dreadful – when we eventually got the ball to the halfway line, there was confusion – what do we do next, where do we go now. No-one seemed to have a clue. The 2nd half was a little better and Pardew had obviously shared his half-baked tactics over a HT cuppa. I suppose we could’ve won but so could WHam. Gutless home game. Supporting NUFC is a bit like being adrift in a turbulent ocean,

    • Pat Hughes says:

      Oh dear, that version wasn’t ready to go could someone clever please delete. It should never have crossed the line.

  17. Pat Hughes says:

    Fortunately I wasn’t looking forward to the first home game (first time ever) and I couldn’t find much enthusiasm around me either. Didn’t stop us welcoming the lads back to SJP and clapping every promising move. The first half was dreadful – when we eventually got the ball to the halfway line, there was confusion – what do we do next, where do we go now. No-one seemed to have a clue. The 2nd half was a little better and Pardew had obviously shared his half-baked tactics over a HT cuppa. I suppose we could’ve won but so could WHam. Gutless home game. Supporting NUFC is a bit like being adrift in a turbulent ocean – any fleeting high will soon be cruelly dashed against the rocks of despair. Sigh.