MATCH REPORT: Newcastle United 2 West Ham 0, St James’ Park, 24/May/15, KO: 3pm, Premier League, Att: 52,094.

by • May 24, 2015 • Match reportsComments (18)1794

And so it came to pass that Mike Ashley spaketh and the clouds parted and lo, United did JonasWestHamput in a performance that greatly pleased the multitudes and finally a team was smited and once more did Newcastle stride forth into the promised land.  Cabella and Perez and the minging Ryan Taylor were left out from the QPR fiasco with Cisse, Anita and god help us, Williamson back into the side presumably to add more weight against a supposedly physical West Ham side who ironically finished the day in Europe after not putting a tackle in since Christmas.

The first half was nervy.  I love nothing more than a bit of football nostalgia so plugged my ‘tranny’ in (no, come on..) at kick off to listen to events at Hull and after a positive opening when we created a decent chance for Riviere inside the first minute, we laboured backed by a noisy SJP crowd.  Riviere did have another half chance when he shot narrowly wide with an overhead kick that looked in at first from my spot in the East Stand but although they never really massively threatened, the Hammers did start to enjoy decent spells of possession as we dropped deeper.

News of Hull having two goals in quick succession disallowed did little to soothe the nerves and at half time, we went in if anything in an even more precarious position than we were at kick off, only 45 minutes from a goal at the KC Stadium standing between us and the Championship.

The second half was possibly our best of the season though as we pushed up the pitch by ten yards and all of a sudden looked to grasp the gravity of our situation.  Anita was everywhere, winning challenges that he’s been nowhere near all season and we should have taken the lead when Janmaat broke down the right and flashed a seemingly unmissable cross over for Riviere three yards out but he completely aired his shot and let’s not beat about the bush, he’s been utter dogshit all season – get shot, for fucks sake.  The hero of the afternoon, Jonas Gutierrez turned the game in our favour ten minutes into the half when he planted a cross bang on Sissoko’s head from eight yards out shortly after though and our cowardly captain for once obliged, planting a header firmly past Adrian to spark jubilation in the stands.

Despite a couple of twitch moments when West Ham broke, they never really looked that interested in getting back into it and with men committed, we broke for an almost schoolyard style four-on-one dash with Anita’s tiny legs going ten to the dozen, supported by three options to tap a pass to for an open goal.  Inexplicably, he completely lost his nerve and played the ball directly to an incredulous Adrian and when West Ham broke with us caught short, you were left with an awful feeling that an outrageous miss like that would come back to bite us but no harm was done as Gutierrez wrapped things up with the moment of the season.

After running himself into the ground for the cause all day, Jonas cut inside and fired a AQUAGIFshot with a slight deflection off Jenkinson into the bottom corner to an outpouring of relief and emotion.  If he celebrated the cross for the first goal wildly, he joined in with the delight of the crowd, stripping his shirt off and racing full length of the pitch.  The man has been an absolute hero, coming back from cancer to play at the top level and never leave anything on the pitch.  He will be a loss – someone who gets us and we get him – top man.

We coasted to victory in the end with the bizarre sight of Anita being subbed off to a reception that would have been over the top for Messi at the Nou Camp and the final whistle bringing almost instant chants of ‘Get out of our club’. The day belonged to Gutierrez and the supporters who have put up with a season that so often has veered into disgrace.

Am I happy?

I was in the instant that we confirmed safety, yes.  If Ashley is true to his word and is set tophoenix_taxis_ad stay until we win something/get into the Champions League, then no.  We are a million years from either of those happening and weasel words mean nothing when every action has alienated fans irreparably from the owner.

Just fuck off, eh Mike?

Thanks for reading this over what has been a wretched season and have a great summer – just forget the twats for a couple of months and get your feet up in the garden!

Keep the Faith

Newcastle United – Krul 6, Janmaat 8, Coloccini 7, Williamson 7, Dummett 6, Anita 9 (Gouffran n/a), Colback 7, Sissoko 7, GUTIERREZ 9, Riviere 6, Cisse 6

Ref – Atkinson – 7 – Can’t even think of a decision he had to make

Our Fans – 9 – Fantastic.  Let’s get this right, as miserable as this season, our fans have never been to blame and never needed prompting.  The best thing about this football club by a million miles.

Their Fans – 5 – Good numbers, never heard a peep from them



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18 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Newcastle United 2 West Ham 0, St James’ Park, 24/May/15, KO: 3pm, Premier League, Att: 52,094.

  1. David Chapman says:

    No words can describe my feelings this day 24/5/2015. I’m so pleased we have stayed up, my life revolves around this club but part of me thinks this is also our darkest day, Mike is staying until we win something…….by the time that happens the cunt will have had one kebab to many and I’ll be in a lunatic asylum.

    Today was lovely, full of joy and ambition and even Sissoko put his deck chair away and kissed the badge wooooo!!! but Derek Lambsarse and the grubby cunt are still mismanaging our club into oblivion, oh jabba came on Sky and said he was gonna spend money, fucks sake he’s been saying that for five years man, Why do people in Wonga tops look so happy compared to the rest of us? because they are oblivious to the complete rape and pillage of my football club.

    Mike Ashley has just won 80 million pound, what we got?

  2. Mikey says:

    Never ever have felt so much joy as today, well done to Jonas, man of the match by a mile, cashley ashley we are not that gullible, actions speak louder than words

    • Alex says:

      Great day but if you are overjoyed about the fact we just avoided relegation you need to maybe raise your bar a bit.

  3. skychaserhigh says:

    I’ve not heard SJP as loud as that since the Keegan days (first time around) and no doubt it helped spur the lads on. A great performance against a luclustre west ham.
    I never thought I would stand and clap Anita off the park, he played well.
    no one is convinced by Ashley’s promises and the new shirt is horrible, but we stayed up, and we can hope…

    • steveP says:

      Does your name allude to a certain singer/ songwriter from South Shields?

      • skychaserhigh says:

        Yep. Did you know he offered Geordie in wonderland to nufc as their walk on music back in the day. Now that would be class…

        • steveP says:

          Yeah, I know that, are you in the Facebook group and are you going to the phuq gig in Toon in September?

  4. Rob Brown says:

    Sincerity , respect , and honest graft . That was Jonas . Thank you from me and my family . JG is good , in all senses . I remember him chatting when warming up at Peterborough . He helped fix things and stopped them from being broken a second time . I am almost embarrassed by his genuine warmth towards our Newcastle . I don’t know what stirs more emotion in me , JG , or the odious MA PR bollocks – like suddenly we’re going to take him seriously let alone sincerely- good grief – and the incomprehensible nonsense of doubtless well meaning folks’ chests emblazoned with something that stands for the legitimised pissing in their very faces . That is the version of respect we are meant to accept and follow . It still has to burn before we get something resembling our Newcastle . No stepping back now .

  5. Stephen says:

    Celebrating a fucking disgrace ! I just don’t get it. Six years ago we were told and fed the line this should never and won’t happen again. It very nearly did.

    Its done though and we start again.

    I’ll give it a few days (it should have happened tonight though) but Carver should be gone, if he isn’t we are back on the backfoot straight away.

  6. Nick says:

    Very mixed emotions today and who knows where we go next. Dark days but a little ray of sunshine is that no matter how badly run we are and no matter how much money the Mackems chuck at it they still can’t quite finish above us. Ho hum, a pause for sanity’s sake required. Well done all at TF this year and everyone else involved in agitating, educating and organising. Club’s heart is still beating away.

  7. Mark says:

    I’d like to think that in an alternate universe, Newcastle beat West Ham 2-0 and were crowned champions because Manchester failed to beat Hull.

    Glad we got the win we needed though. The optimist in me would like to believe that there will be sweeping changes during the off-season with an ambitious manager signed but the pessimist/realist in me thinks that Steve McClaren (at best) will be handed the reigns and we’ll only be mildly better off than where we were at the end of this season.

    Great goal by Jonas to (more than likely) cap off a career at the club.

  8. Rob Douglas says:

    A taste of what it used to be like. A taste of what it could be like. A glimpse of what it won’t be like for all the reasons mentioned by everyone else. If there have been no announcements of sackings/recruitments/changes by the start of June, then nothing will happen. Again. Do it now Ashley or get out.

  9. Peter Shearer says:

    Good to be there (first time for years since my boycott) to hear there is still life in us yet.Encouraged by the “get out of our club” chants at the final whistle-although only a few hundred remained to continue the protests.However, I have to believe the majority are with us,just trying to unite the voice is the problem.True respect for the performance of Jonas.

    Now back to my boycott, until Ashley goes or becomes a “new man”.Actually,I thought he came across in the interview as quite vulnerable.So much for the iron mike reputation.

  10. Vin1892 says:

    The fact that Carver wasn;t sacked as quickly as hippo heed leads me to believe the fat cunts words were just empty promises. If Penfold is in charge of appointing our next manager we are going to get some no-hoper lik Mclaren.

    #boycott SDA

  11. Andy bee says:

    Thre things:
    Eternal thanks spidey quite simply a remarkable return from illness and your guts and drive represented every Geordies passion in St.james, you are a legend Jonas
    Bit my tongue for a long time reading the comments of fellow fans saying we needed to be relegated, it was never the best thing for our great club, funny how some of them extol their delight in staying up in comments above?!
    Lastly the fat elephant in the closet , so given comment two above Mike you managed to divide our great following can you now unite it again? Don’t give us hollow words give us true action that we can be proud of which incidentally does not always mean splashing copious amounts of your cash! Start with carver being booted out….

  12. Pat Hughes says:

    So pleased we remain in the PL but where do we go from here. Ashley had it all yesterday – full house, advertising to the world, a long-awaited victory, the loud Geordie support and many happy punters. Many will be off to buy that God-awful new home shirt which looks worse in real life than I thought it would. Then there’s the oh so timely interview with promises of winning things and the blame stopping at his door. He’s either had a personality transplant or it’s the best PR stunt ever. As the close season evolves we’ll know which it is but given his hands-on antics at Rangers, I can’t believe he’s been so hands-off with us.
    I couldn’t have asked for a better final game, it was all there – nail-biting, frustrating, noisy, passionate and sheer joy when Jonas scored the second – what a man and who better to score the final goal of the season – love him to bits.

  13. john rush says:

    Things like jonas’ goal never usually happen to us. I was actually willing us not to score again as it was such a fitting ending. However there is nothing to celebrate. Having to battle to survive on the last day should never have happened and is down to mismanagement from the top down. There is no reason why this club cannot challenge for trophies but it is going to take a lot of money and a big clear out of playing and back room staff just to start. Dont think that will happen. Also found the sight of some of our supporters genuinely ecstatic about finishing above sunderland embarrassing

  14. Peter Shearer says:

    I hope Andy Bee you did not misinterpret my comments. I was all for relegation-still am if it is the price to pay to get rid of Ashley.I was trying to comment on what I saw, not necessarily what I wanted.I believe Ashley would not be able to get us back up next time and eventually we would be left to re-build our club.I accept my view may well be a minority view, but so was boycotting when I began mine.