MATCH REPORT: Newcastle United 0 Everton 3, St James’ Park, 25/Mar/14, KO: 7:45pm, Att: 47,622

by • March 25, 2014 • Match reportsComments (8)865

A chastening evening at SJP saw us thoroughly taken apart by a hugely impressive CarverEverton side.  After bleating on in the run up to the game about needing to be ‘tighter’ than we were in Saturday’s tedious encounter, Pardew named the same starting line-up with HBA and any risk of creativity or excitement kept firmly on the bench.

To be fair, we actually started quite brightly and were the match for the visitors for the first quarter of an hour with Sissoko in particular looking bright going forward and providing a couple of crosses which the otherwise utterly anonymous Gouffran  should have done better from but it was Everton that took the lead after 20 minutes with probably the best goal we’ve seen at SJP this season.

They should really have doubled their lead before the break when Lukaku burst onto Osman’s excellent through ball but Krul was out sharply to smother his effort.

The goal came from our corner but when Barkley picked the ball up well inside his own half and ran the full length of the pitch before ghosting inside our defenders and planting a fine effort into the roof of the net.  A truly fantastic goal and one that perhaps would have elicited some applause had he not celebrated with that fucking irritating ‘Shhh’ celebration in front of the Gallowgate.  Clearly he’s not been here this season, as our home support rarely need any encouragement to be deathly quiet.

We looked devoid of any sort of idea with Cisse again being starved on any service and De Jong looking absolutely powder puff.

The second half followed a similar pattern and they got their second just a few minutes after the restart.  For the umpteenth time in the game, Deulofeu completely turned Dummett inside out before squaring for Lukaku to tap in.  I know Dummett is an Academy product and all that and obviously I’d love to see him break through, but what the fuck must Haidara be thinking on the bench?  Our best full back yet currently fifth choice in that position, including behind a centre-half who played on the other flank tonight seemingly with the attention span of a goldfish and the urgency of a sloth.  I do actually like Mbiwa as a footballer aswell, but he’s not going to make it in this country.  Not with us at any rate.

Ben Arfa was again brought on with the game already gone, as he has been previously at home this season with De Jong jogging off with the kitman counting the savings in Ariel.  He drifted initially, with the formation a mystery but we did at least create a couple of half chances, with Gouffran firing an impressive volley narrowly over.  Marveaux was introduced for Mbiwa and at that point, the formation of our side was anyones guess.  3-6-1?  No direction or discernable clue Our one glimpse at a consolation which could have at least made the final minutes interesting was spurned awfully by Anita after Ben Arfa had somehow weaved through defenders in the box to pull the ball back only for the diminutive (and, in my opinion, average to crap) midfielder somehow screw wide with an open goal to aim at.

They put the tin hat on it near to the end with a complete aberration from Coloccini on the centre circle allowing them to break quickly again, with the ball eventually pulled back to Osman to fire high past Krul.  Three nil didn’t flatter them in the slightest and all over the pitch they were better than us.  Young, strong, impressive tactically and exciting to watch.  I said on the metty on the way home to my mate that I wouldn’t have any of our starting line up other than Krul over there’s position for position and this is a team that is two places above us.

It’s another hiding at home and it’s almost a miracle that we are as high as we are.  Try this – go through the team and ask yourself individually if the players have had a ‘good’ season.  Other than Williamson, Tiote, Remy and possibly Gouffran (who I still don’t think is a great player but is generally greater than the sum of his parts) then players have ranged from piss poor or way below their level of capability.

Our mini-league (don’t laugh) for 7th (don’t laugh) to 9th will be sorted in the next couple of weeks but barring any surprises, I can’t see us scoring, never mind winning.

Keep the Faith

Newcastle United – Tim Krul 5, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa 4 (Sylvain Marveaux 5), Mike Williamson 6, Fabricio Coloccini 5, Paul Dummett 4, Moussa Sissoko 6, CHIECK TIOTE 6, Vurnon Anita 3, Yoan Gouffran 4 (Shola Ameobi n/a), Luuk de Jong 3 (Hatem Ben Arfa 6), Papiss Cisse 5

Ref – Mason – 6 – Nothing of any incident

Our Fans – 6 – Thought they were better than the crap served up for them

Their Fans – 9 – Excellent – noisy, plentiful.


PS – Just seen Carver’s post match interview on SSN as I type this and he’s obviously got the same teacher as Pardew for talking utter shit.  ‘At least we’re creating things’.  Give owa man.

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8 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Newcastle United 0 Everton 3, St James’ Park, 25/Mar/14, KO: 7:45pm, Att: 47,622

  1. Micky miller says:

    Amazing this rudderless ship of shite is heading for a top half finish in one of the poxiest premiership seasons we’ve endured, even winning at old Trafford has been diluted by every fucker else doing it.
    After match interviews told the story, a fresh faced bright young tactical aware manager praising his players and a fuckin dinosaur fumbling for his bastard phone..

  2. Keiron Young says:

    I agree with most of what you’ve written Gareth. I thought Sissoko and Tiote were our two top men on the night. Sissoko (who I know you don’t like!) made some powerful runs with some end product early on and Tiote kept going winning his tackles and not over elaborating. Everton were pretty clinical and looked a more polished outfit. Whilst I thought they were comfortable, I thought 3-0 did flatter them and had we managed to nick one, even near the end, the game was still alive. No gripes about the effort but creativity is a problem for our team. The current manager and coaching staff seem unable to improve us this without Remy. Worrying.

  3. Guy HW says:

    Welcome to the reality of next season. Criminal failure to replace Cabaye when we had already arranged for him to leave. This current team looks a bottom 3rd one with key players badly off colour and HBA/Marveux left to rot on the vine.

  4. Rob says:

    Squad needs an overhaul but can’t see Ashley funding it, and let’s face it, we can sign all the talented players we want and they’re still going to have to be coached by Pardew. We’re still trying to play in the same way as we did when Cabaye was here, but without Cabaye- his lack of any ideas as to what to do is shocking

  5. Vin Crockwell says:

    The club is rancid from top to bottom. It’s just a matter of time before another spell in The Championship is upon us.

  6. Stephen brownlow says:

    Player marks spot on Gareth!

  7. ant says:

    “…and a f$%£& dinosaur fumbling for his bastard phone”
    This image cheered me up 🙂

    Would I get punched (a lot) if I said that 3-0 was flattering for Everton? And that I would in fact pick at least 4 of our lads over Everton’s (and I would go up to 6 if you include our bench)?

    Our team is ok but we know exactly where our problems are because they’ve been there for years: if Coloccini has a bad day or is injured, the sum of our defence is just not good enough. This anxiety affects the team directly (everyone is nervous and defensive). And makes managers foresake true talents like HBA for the sake of packing the pitch with sub-standandard “holding midfielders” in the hope that they can fix the unfixable.

    Also, wonder-goal my ar£$ – you wouldn’t get away with a run like that without getting tackled on a school pitch, let alone in PL.

  8. Greeny's Guitar says:

    It amazes me how people still rate Tiote.
    He is the most one paced midfielder I have ever seen and that pace is slow. After he gave the ball away on the edge of their box and tried to get back he couldn’t make half a yard on Barkley who was running with the ball. Having said that Tiote was faster than Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa but that was only because the defender couldn’t be arsed. Tiote never creates and apart from one memorable goal never scores. He cannot read the game, gives the ball away more times than he wins it and I won’t go into the unecessary fouls.He is the epitome of the lack of flair and creativity that is the useless creepy crawly ( that one was for Mike ) twat of a manager we’ve been lumbered with. The brazen cockney cunt has already started the season ticket sales pitch “money available” ” we do need that controller of the ball, that manoeuvrer, that clever player, and we will get one in the summer, for sure.” Fuck off.
    Going back to last nights match what have I missed that makes De Jong appear on the team sheet instead of Ben Arfa. Why isn’t Sissoko doing the powerhouse midfielder role that his hero Vieira performed with Arsenal and Toure is doing for City. I’m not saying he’s anywhere near as good as them but for Christs sake that is is natural position not stuck out on the wing. While I’m hitting the right keys. We need another good keeper. Krul isn’t as good as he or we thought he was. He is good but the way he’s playing suggests to me that he ain’t gonna reach the absolute top level. He needs good competition for his place. Please don’t throw the Spurs game at me ‘cos he will never ever repeat that performance, It’s been said that Pardews stupidity against Hull took away credit from the team for what was a good performance. Kruls performance against Spurs hid how bad we were. On a normal day at the office for Krul we could have lost by six or seven. Who next. Yanga Mbiwa will never make it in this country. I’ve no doubt he is a decent footballer but you cannot expect to stroll through a match the way he does. No urgency. No fire. Young Dummett. Not convinced but it’s too early to give up on him.
    Anita. Naa sorry. I can’t believe that Graham Carr had anything to do with bringing De Jong to the club. I have seen absolutely nowt in this lad somebody on here likened him to Rob McDonald. I’m gonna go on e step further and say he’s as productive as Frank Pingel.
    In my humble opinion some of the players have realised what a an unambitious pile of shite our club is. We lost our only class midfielder when cabaye departed and I fear the best of the rest will follow him. Debuchy looks a certainty to depart at a tidy profit for the fat bastard. Remy is a mercenary pure and simple and will follow the Wonga. It looks as if Pardew is weedling HBA out which I think is a pity ‘cos he has so much talent. A good man managing coach could cut this little diamond into a thing of beauty.
    I see fans saying we should sign this player or that player but who of any class or quality would want to come. The only ones we will sign ( if any ) will be useless mercenaries that no body else wants.
    Theres nee fun in getting old when you know that you saw the only domestic trophies your team are going to win during your lifetime were when you were a kid and the one european success was when you were twenty one and just married for the first time. In those days it was all football, beer and free love ( another term for sex ) Now I’d rather have a good shite.