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MATCH REPORT: Chelsea 5 Newcastle United 1, Stamford Bridge, 13/Feb/16, KO: 5:30pm, Premier League. Att: 41,622

by • February 13, 2016 • Match reportsComments (12)3356

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An observation from a friend of true faith at Stamford Bridge:  The opening of this game was as unbearable as any I can remember. Chelsea grinding on us like a muscle bound, sex hound at a MTV Base Party on Miami Beach, found themselves 3-0 up after 15 minutes. Diego Costa, Pedro and Willian with the goals. You don’t want to relive the intricacies of those, but the back four were woeful both individually and collectively (Series 7, Episode 13). During those opening 15 minutes, Coloccini bent over and Steven Taylor was both shite and rusty, decision making and timings way off. While shredded wheat head is in danger of ruining young Aarons’ career.
We all know this was a relegation performance. We play poorly, don’t compete and ship 5 to 6 goals. We play ok and get beat regularly. We play out of our skin and stumble over the line against average sides like West Brom and West Ham. The remaining 75 minutes was basically a training session for both sides. Townsend’s well taken consolation the only positive for us, hopefully it gives him confidence.

Doumbia came on and had some nice touches, maybe has a bit of the Oba Martins unpredictability about him. Which McClarenChelsea2probably isn’t an ingredient you want to chuck into a relegation battle. Having said that, its preferable to Mitrovic’s predictability. The level of encouragement “Mitro” receives from the support is great. Undoubtedly benefitting from his place of birth. Signing players from the Balkans is pornography for your football hipster. People can spin it how they like – he’s young, adapting to a new country, new league all of which is true, but don’t lose sight of the reality – he’s not very good. He isn’t lean enough, he plays with his back to goal, he doesn’t hold the ball up well, he rarely wins a 50/50, he’s not very good in the air and his finishing is below average.
Pre and post match, I met up with a few old school mates who grew up with Kerry Dixon posters on their bedroom walls. Talking to them now is like talking to a couple who’ve won the pools. I would say good luck to them, but I wouldn’t mean it. Everything changes, nothing changes. From Ken Bates, Dennis Wise and manky NF flight jackets to Roman Abramovich, Diego Costa and Japanese tourists with 10ft camera lenses. The History of Chelsea FC: A Different Kind of C**t. Having said that, the locals were fine before and after. The only obnoxious cocks I saw all day were on the concourse of the away end. Singing songs about 50 pence, flutes and fucking the mackems and the IRA. Not quite sure what Irish independence has got to do with a spoilt, overweight teenager from Tyneside in an ill fitting Italian jumper. But hey, some people are just dicks. Songs like that don’t suit our club, do they? Proper wool song. Sort of thing I’d expect from a big town type of club like Sunderland, Burnley, Huddersfield, Leicester. You know, the sort of place where people think owning a pair of adidas trainers is a big deal.
Anyway, on a lighter note, I’ve just seen a bloke walk out the Co-Op with a box of chocolates and a cucumber. “Er…. do you want a bag for that?” Who said romance was dead?

SEAN WHELAN 

Our true faith match reporter for today’s trip to Chelsea will be Jack McClane. Jack will be in the away end at Stamford Bridge and we’ll have his full report from the game as soon as he gets back home and types it all up for us.

As usual this morning, those who have subscribed to the true faith matchday Newsletter, The Special will have it sitting all expectant in their in-boxes, waiting to be opened up and read by you all.

If you haven’t yet signed up for The Special, don’t fret, you can still get at it by clicking here.

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As the eagle eyed amongst you will also have noticed, we have a brand new true faith podcast out today and yours truly is even on it having a good natter with Chelsea die-hard and all round cracking bloke, Mark Willet. You can straight to the true faith podcast by just clicking here.

The true faith podcast is Newcastle United’s number one podcast and the most listened to by United supporters.

There’s no charge. Its absolutely FREE.

Throughout the last week, we’ve been promoting several pieces from the new issue of true faith (TF124) and they have included excellently written articles concerning Andros Townsend, Jonjo Shelvey, Henri Saviet as well as the much-missed Pavel Srnicek.

Obviously, there’s lots more besides as well.

There is over 100 pages of reading in the latest issue of true faith (TF124) and you can settle down to having a great read of Newcastle United’s number one fanzine by just clicking on the image below.

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12 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Chelsea 5 Newcastle United 1, Stamford Bridge, 13/Feb/16, KO: 5:30pm, Premier League. Att: 41,622

  1. mike says:

    GUTLESS DONT CARE we are down GET rid MCfool NOW

  2. tom Bates says:

    Can’t see Taylor bragging about his performance this week. Again Gigi doesn’t turn up away from home a waste of a position. Collocinni another shocker. Thank god Chelsea were happy to take their foot off the gas with another game on Tuesday. Our players are going to be rewarded for another early cup exit with a training / bonding trip to Spain. Shelvey looked decent but there isn’t much else to get excited about. I think Norwich will go down and it’ll be a shootout between us and Sunlun to see who’s the shittest.

  3. Rob says:

    Feel like the 5th sentence sort of brings the whole tone down a bit. Needlessly inappropriate.

  4. Tony Higgins says:

    Good to read Seans spiel …he is almost as miserable as me 🙂

  5. Dane says:

    Hipster fans support Mitro because of his Balkan roots and the youngsters sing songs of dubious relevance. Judgemental bollocks mate, sorry, but fuck me, aren’t we all in the away end because we love United. I’m 42, I missed the Leazes in its prime, but I hear it was fucking ferocious, Longbenton would fight Kenton, Shields would battle Wallsend, its fucking depressing to think this is the 21st Century equivalent, dashing home from the match, furiously bashing away at the keyboard slagging off fellow fans just for being young and daft.

    We’re all in this together, most of us by birthright, young, old, in between, clue is in the name, United, and scroll up, True Faith, slag the team by all means but not your fellow fans.

    • mammyslittlesoldier says:

      Judgmental? Aye. Arseholes full of lager and cocaine singing sectarian songs are just that… fucking arseholes… and I don’t care which team they support. That’s my judgment and it’s not open to appeal. If they were singing “I’d rather be a paki than a Turk” or some nasty shit like that, would you let them off coz they bleed black and white? And I think you’ve been reading too many books on hooliganism…the ones that make it sound like a noble calling.

  6. Big Coll says:

    Anyway, on a lighter note, I’ve just seen a bloke walk out the Co-Op with a box of chocolates and a cucumber. “Er…. do you want a bag for that?” Who said romance was dead? Ha Ha!

  7. Nick says:

    Said this 2 weeks ago but winning v West Brom was worst possible result. We are going down and I wish I didn’t care but I do. Great last para Sean.

  8. Allan says:

    Mitro’s hold up play is shite, crap in the air? Must be watching a different kid to me, mate! He obvious needs to work on his finishing but I think (hope) that will come in time (I know we haven’t got time but that’s not his fault). Oh yeah, youngins are daft, always have been, it’s up to us older (wiser?) lads to show them the crack.

    And, well said Dane

    Let’s face it though, nothing changes till the fat man’s gone.

    ASHLEY OUT!!!!

  9. mikey says:

    I don;t understand the football hipster thing. Are there football hipsters? W And why would they support players from the Balkans?

  10. Ritchie says:

    Well said Sean, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

  11. David Finlinson says:

    Back in the day Scostwood rd (SAB) “held” the center of the Leazes end?
    Just saying?

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