MATCH REPORT: Arsenal 3 Newcastle United 0, The Emirates, 28/Apr/14, KO: 8pm, Premier League, Att 60,023

by • April 27, 2014 • Match reportsComments (10)1142

If this is the final scene of Alan Pardew’s time as Newcastle United manager then this game couldn’t be more appropriate.  Rumours are rife on Twitter that he’s been sacked including a clip from a supposed Sky ticker feed. Could be true, could be bullshit. The funny thing is while I write this report, I reckon anyone reading this now had already written it in their heads the day they bought their ticket. I knew I had. 


I’ve seen worse but that’s hardly the point is it. You can add this to the catalogue of recent shameful humiliations though, a list I won’t bother to remind you off. Had Arsenal wanted 5, 6, 7 they would have taken it. As I said I’ve seen worse. In fact up to and just after the first goal, I thought we were reasonably steady with both Williamson and Coloccini stoutly resisting what Arsenal had thrown at them.  Sissoko blazed our best 1st half chance well over the bar after Ozil really should have put Arsenal ahead. 

The first goal, reminiscent of Giroud’s at SJP in December came after a questionable award of a free kick that was floated into the box from the excellent Carzola and our powder puff attempts didn’t stop Koscielny from heading in. United managed to keep Arsenal at bay for a further 17 minutes which is 16 more than I thought frankly with Tiote and Debuchy both attempting long range shots of which neither you would describe as great chances.

The second soft goal followed a double save from Krul after Giroud was put through by Arteta with Ozil to tap in the rebound when he looked slightly offside.  Coming in 1 down would have been a comparative achievement but the second laid the next 45 minutes utterly open for Arsenal to do as they pleased.


Pandemonium at Half Time! No beer was sold in the away end! I think that tipped the lid of peoples frustrations frankly. They were denied even the merest pleasure of £5 watered down chemical piss.

The away end took to ironic cheering of awarded throw ins. It’s at that point you question whether you should be here at all. I was in a row of say 20 seats which was full at KO but was empty bar me by 60 mins. If I wasn’t doing this report id have fucked it off by then if I’m being honest. Loads more were walking away from half time onwards. Sure, there was anger, both directed at Ashley and Pardew but the steady stream of people passing you on their way out told you a bigger story.

Arsenal went easy on us. The third was well crafted between Ozil and Ramsey as they strolled their way through our right hand side to set up Giroud to head in the 3rd. He’s an irritating prick isn’t he? Our one chance came when Remy put through Gouffran but his shot when on Szczesny was never going to test the Arsenal keeper.

Pardew’s substitutions were a joke; a sure sign of a manager completely abdicating responsibility for his teams shocking state. Ameobi on for Gosling? A player who’s scored once in a year yet Armstrong gets a minute? Mbiwa, a player that Pardew has converted into a defensive utility player at best, a player that was bought as a Centre Half, now gets 6 minutes as a full back.

I had a look at the 2 benches though and wryly smiled. 3-0 is an escape for this team when Wenger can bring on Rosicky, Flamini and Sanogo, a promising, U-21 French international. Our bench was pitiful. Where would HBA and Marveux be under a manager who can handle their characters and enigmas with even a modicum of sensitivity and intelligence?


Of course, for the club to have any drive, any ambition, ultimately Ashley has to go, especially if we are to attract a half-decent footballing brain to SJP. Until that time, however, Pardew has got to be removed. He cannot manage that team in any way shape or form and now I reckon is a major problem to Ashley. Can he really trust Pardew to avoid relegation next year? I wouldn’t.

In the name of God, go now!! 

Newcastle United : Krul 5, Dummett 4, Williamson 5, Coloccini 5, Debuchy 3 (Mbiwa n/a); Gouffran 5 (Armstrong n/a), Gosling 4 (Ameobi 4), Tiote 5, Anita 4, Sissoko 4; Remy 5.   

Subs not used: Elliot, Hiadara, Taylor, Obertan

Ours:     6. Almost past angry. For those who made it from the North East I don’t know whether to admire your stoicism or question your sanity. Probably a bit of both. I felt sorry for my mate who had to make it back to Sevenoaks, never mind Spital Tongues. I can’t blame anyone who fucked off early.

Arsenal:  5. I never get a sense of a crowd bouncing off the walls at this place. Thanks though to @laythy29 of the Gooner Fanzine for a pre-match beer at the Highbury Barn. Top man!



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10 Responses to MATCH REPORT: Arsenal 3 Newcastle United 0, The Emirates, 28/Apr/14, KO: 8pm, Premier League, Att 60,023

  1. Rob says:

    Let’s stoke the fire before the last home game of the season.

  2. myclubyourclubworclub says:

    Not wishing to state the “BLEEDING OBVIOUS” but once again it was a no show !!!! Is a report required !
    that is all
    Peace from Dublin !

  3. Keith says:

    But I thought we were going to win the league now he’s back on the touchline!

  4. Ant says:

    I have no sympathy for Pardew – what he’s done to HBA, Marveux, Debuchy, Cisse and Mbiwa is beyond the joke. I know we’ve had some unfortunate nurturing stories in our past (Viana, Dyer), but Pardew is on a different level of wasting people and resources. I know punters are trying to play the sympathy card by saying that Pardew like Moyes are victims of impatient fans, but this is disingenuous. Unlike Moyes, who got stabbed in the back by every heinous twit in the manure squad, Pardew managed to mess up the team all by himself.

    Having said all that, and in the interest of balance and to take something positive from a negative (fill in your own self-help cliche), can we have a shout out for:
    – shocking homer refereeing: Ozil’s “goal” was not marginally off-side. It was off by at least 4 yards and would not stand in a playground. Giroud’s dive for the foul that led to the 1st goal, (as well as going down holding his foot like he was shot by Williamson I think on 60th minute) deserved yellows. Instead, this sort of nonsense leads to goals. Next time Arsenal players get kneecapped in Hull or Stoke or wherever, let’s rejoice.
    – Instead of booing Shola, can we all take a minute to appreciate some of the biggest and most expensive door-stops in the Premiership? I bet Mesut “Mickey Owen” Ozil, Podolski (Viduka in disguise) and Monreal (aka the ghost of Darren Huckerby) would not leave much change from £70m; shoot me if you will, but I would not have any of them play for NUFC. Their “triumph” was built on two dodgy goals, but they’ll get found out again, the moment they face a well-motivated and organised team.

    • Guy HW says:

      Ant, fair enough mate. Giroud went down at every given opportunity. He’s a snide piece of work. To be fair, Arsenal won at a canter. Had they not had the opportunity to score the 1st or the 2nd they would have done eventually.

      • David Rutherford says:

        So who’s up for the 60 minute walk out on Saturday then? I’d much rather we didn’t turn up at all but as there’s bugger all chance of that happening without the fanzines getting behind it I’m all for it. Even if 10,000 upped and fucked off on the hour mark it would be a joy to behold. An angry, spiteful, depressing kind of joy but it’s better than doing nowt.

  5. David says:

    As Edward 1 said “A man does good business when he rids himself of a turd.” MFA should take heed, unfortunately I don’t see Partridge getting sacked anytime soon, even after we get right royally fucked by Liverpool and I mean it could be 7-8 the way they play, hungry, dynamic, attacking football compared to the lumbering nervous wreck we have become under this fucking uninspiring, tactically inept divvy.

    I’m very nervous about the Liverpool game as you can probably tell, they wont take it easy on us like Arsenal did, lets be fair Arsenal should have got at least 6.

    Michael Martin’s piece is honest and well written and a least we have a decent fanzine where we can vent our spleen because things at Newcastle United are very, very bad and the outside press seem determined to tell us Partridge will fix things in the summer but as we all know Remy wont sign, Krul will bugger off and who can blame him? And we might sign some kid from Holland or France who we wont get attached to as he’ll be flogged of if he’s any good in January.

    It shouldn’t be like this, it wouldn’t be like this if you lot would vote with your feet and fuck the match off, As long as you buy your tickets and your pies and your beers and your fucking Wonga tops, we’re all fucked!

    END IT.

  6. Peter Shearer says:

    Please do something! Everyone who does nothing is pro-longing this misery for all of us who care.If you have done nothing so far-then surely you must now do something different.Unless you are happy with things.We have absolutely nothing to lose by taking some action.Show some spirit! It is all we have against his money.

  7. john rush says:

    Ashley bears a lot of responsibility for our current predicament but howay man we had seven internationals starting that night plus three more who have played for their countries at U21 level, more on the bench, and apparently we have the luxury of leaving our only two ball players HBA and Marveux out altogether. Its not the likes of Ray Clarke, Billy Rafferty and Ian Davies we have to choose from for goodness sake. If there were any tactics last night they seemed to be stay in your own half and hope they don’t score. Once the bloke who looks like a puppet and plays like one against every other team scored against us… again, we still kept playing the same way and continued to do so after the second. What was said at half time didn’t appear to make any difference and Arsenal kept doing dastardly things to fool our lot like making runs off the ball. For the umpteenth time they had a man spare – the same as last season by the way. In came a decent cross Giroud not picked up again and 3.0. I finally waved the white flag and switched off once I saw Shola coming on to change the game. as predictable as one of our corners or free kicks being aimed at Mike Williamson. God help those who were actually there. I see after I gave up Pardew replaced a full back with a centre half and yet again treat Adam Armstrong like a fat local businessman who has paid 10 grand to turn out for two minutes in a testimonial, how to nurture our promising youngsters indeed. Without resorting to the default and now redundant “Who would we get any better?” Can anyone out there justify why this bloke should remain our manager?

  8. Micky miller says:

    Sadly the ‘we’ve seen it far worse’ bellends with their heads buried six feet under will always have the majority over lads wanting to make a change, a couple of hundred leaving on the hour won’t register with
    anybody relevant, for fucks sake there will be thousands applauding this rabble on their piss taking end of season lap of shite. Until the majority accept what’s happening and I suspect some are so blinkered they refuse to, we are fucked…