It’s best just to skip straight past Monday night’s defeat, but I have to say how utterly depressing it is, to have to keep writing off football matches before hand because you know that with all the will in the world, this Newcastle United side are going to get battered when they travel to over 30% of their away games. Can’t even make a game of it.

What felt like an even bigger hoof to the bollocks, is, after, being told that bids for Cabaye are ‘Good for his confidence’ by Pardew, then as soon as one comes in, he can’t play as his head’s not right? It feel’s like it’s my fucking head that’s not right at the minute!

So, that defeat is out of the way nice and early, (that’s how we look at these games now) but if we’d hoped for a boost before the visit of West Ham with a couple of new signings, then we’d be disappointed. However, the lads (top brass) definitely had a scran and a chin wag (JFK may have indulged greater than most ‘TF lawyers, I put in the word ‘may’) and we definitely have a ‘game plan’ for the last week of August. I’m not 100% sure, that that’s how this thing works, but hey ho…

This week’s ‘good news’ has been made exclusive to half time on Saturday. If you’re not the sort of person who uses 15 minutes to empty the bladder, rerun the first half with your mates and wave your phone in every direction hoping for a tiny bit of”signal, to obtain the Gateshead score (only to be defeated by techy problems) then now you can watch zorbs racing and have a hot dog delivered to your seat. It all sounds a bit too ‘foam finger waving,’ ‘USA’ shouting to me

So what of Big (Fat) Sam’s visitors? Well they have been active in the transfer market (I don’t know why they haven’t left it ’til the last week of August) by securing the signing of Andy Carroll (who is injured currently), Stewart Downing and a bloke called, Rat, from over Ukraine way. Gary O’Neil has departed, Carlton Cole has been peddled and that Maiga character who we were after a couple of years ago, is apparently, not far from the exit door.

Last week they got off to a winning start, which was entirely predictable, with a 2-0 home win over Cardiff City. Joe Cole and ex Newcastle chicken dancer, Kevin Nolan banged in the goals.

Ex-Mackem, McCartney. And the afore mentioned, Carroll make it a short injury list at Upton Park.

Team News

Cheick Tiote has a slight groin strain and may miss out. Cabaye is unlikely to play/make himself available/still be our player (delete as appropriate). Tim Krul starred in goal vs Man City so is now over his shoulder injury. Obviously, Steven Taylor’s 3 match ban opens up a back 4 reshuffle. An option is to shove Mbiwa in at Centre back and bring in either Santon (if fit) or Dummett in the left back slot. If Tiote does miss out then that adds to Gutierrez’s injury, which is likely to see Anita start and it offers the opportunity to play Sissoko in the centre.

Injured

Remy ‘ calf – due back for Aston Villa (possibly)

Gutierrez ‘ Hamstring -”no return date

Tiote ‘ Groin ‘ doubtful

Haidara ‘ Knock ‘ no return date

Santon ‘ thigh ‘ doubtful

Ryan Taylor ‘ Knee ‘ not expected back this year

Suspended

Steven Taylor ‘ 3 games

Possible Team (4-2-3-1)

1.Krul: 2. Debuchy, 5. Mbiwa, 6. Colocinni, 3. Santon: 4. Anita, 8. Sissoko: 7. Ben Arfa. 10. Marveaux, 11. Gouffran: 9. Cisse

Subs

Elliot, Williamson, Dummett, Sammy Ameobi, Shola Ameobi, Gosling, Obertan

Referee: Phil Dowd

History vs West Ham

A bit of a mixed bag, some cracking win, fused with some shit defeats, dull draws. Obviously there is the infamous fire bomb incident which looking back, was a pretty stupid thing to do and didn’t make away trips to the Boleyn Ground and more welcoming. West Ham have seemed reasonably keen to spend an amount of time in the second division with us too!!

84/85 1-1 draw with the Honourable Lord of Longbenton, Peter Beardsley doing the honours.

85/86 1-2 shit defeat, George Reilly scored, towards the end of this season, they’d stick 8 past us. The bastards.

86/87 4-0 Nice. Andy fuckin’ Thomas with a brace, spotty McDonald and Darren Jackson

87/88 2-1 win with Gazza and Michael O’Neill doing the biz

88/89 1-2 loss, Anth Lormer! Remember him? Lincoln fans might

89/90 2-0 Micky Quinn and Benny Kristensen with the goals

90/91 1-1 Mark McGhee, shit season, best forget it

92/93 2-0 Peacock and Kelly and Julian Dicks got a red card for a snidey elbow.

93/94 2-0 win, Andy Cole with both, Lee Clark pulling the strings.

94/95 2-0 ‘shite these man’ ‘ Clark and Kitson

95/96 3-0 their GK was outstanding as Tino, Albert and Sir Les got the goals

96/97 1-1 Pedro again

97/98 0-1 Stan Lazaridis raker

98/99 0-3 Booo. Ian Wright with 2

99/00 2-2 Nick the Greek and Speed had us cruising, til Fumaca came on and they got 2 in 2 minutes

00/01 2-1 Carl Cort and Nobby Solano, made to sweat for the last 10 mins

01/02 3-1 Shearer, Robert and Lualua

02/03 4-0 first league game of the season, Shearer, Solano and 2 for Lua Lua

05/06 0-0 Couldn’t beat 10 men!

06/07 2-2 Milner and Solano as we came back form 0-2

07/08 3-1 Viduka x 2 and N’Zogbia blocked out these years

08/09 bad year, very bad year, 2-2 Owen and Carroll

10/11 ‘United are back, hello, hello’ 5-0, Best hat trick

12/13 0-1 Nolan ‘Ahhhhhhhh!’

Hammers”Fanzines

Over land and sea ‘ Facebook page ‘here

Knees Up Mother Brown ‘ online here

Blowing Bubbles ‘ online and paper here

Predictions

Nolan early goal, loud boos, people fucking off early, lose 1-0. Shit week

Opposition Danger Man

Who do you think? Kevin Nolan, but Diame is a fucking beast

Chris Betts

Follow Chris on Twitter‘